Esoteric Spiritual Christmas Gifts from Mystic Mark
During my travels throughout this gullible globe I have met many like me, who are seekers. Seekers of wisdom and truth alike, yes, but also seekers of something far more precious... human money. These greedy, wandering souls have taught me much, not least the importance of premium-rate phone lines and using Yuletide to line their deep wizard-like pockets. Today I invite Dr. Darren Icke to join me for a peek at some of the Pagan wares acceptable to be presented as gifts during the festival of evil Lord Christ’s “First Spawning.”
Unearthing Ancient Bullshit (£12.59)
This fascinating book takes an in-depth “no nonsense” look at the the bullshit mainstream archaeologists don’t want you know. From the bullshit about who built the pyramids (space lizards) to impeccably researched bullshit about who towed the moon into place over 40,000 years ago (lizards), the secrets of the Tower of Babel (lizards again) and why the shape-shifting lizard government doesn’t want you to find out about any of it.
The Relaxing Sounds of Whale Bullying CD (£14.99)
Run a hot bath, relax, and unwind to the sound of whales’ social bullying calls. A whale’s song can travel up to halfway around the globe, allowing them to berate thousands of their fellow sea mammals with abuse at the same time. Includes 8 CDs packed full of your favourite soothing whale noises as they belittle and upset one another in the murky depths. Let yourself go to the enchanting, harrowed hum of this majestic species attacking each other’s insecurities and humiliating their rivals in front of the entire Cetacean community. Includes the tracks: You’re a shit whale. / Your mother was a shit whale. / Ah ha, your offspring are dead! and the classic: You fraternize with the legged ones.
Nibiru Brown Star Chart (£12.00)
Chart the progress of the fabled brown star as it approaches Earth for the final showdown in 2012. Many who have awoken from the Matrix of the mainstream media are aware that Nibiru (Planet X) is soon approaching, but what is less known is that it is actually possible to enter the brown star of Nibiru and navigate its insides – a horrid tunnel into another dimension. Deep inside Nibiru’s warm, humid atmosphere, putrid chunks of brown matter collapse into the energy field around the star's vibrational entrance. This handy chart allows you to plot its path across the heavens, preparing you and your family for its evitable appearance.
2012 Topless Mayan Calender (£6.49)
This topless version of the Mayan calender is sure to get your heart racing just before it is pulled from your chest by a Mayan priest. Includes sizzling shots of barely legal virgins being sacrificed in swimwear to appease Acan’s wrath and promise a fruitful harvest.
Nightmare Prison 2000™ (£369.99)
Like most severely enlightened individuals I find a dreamcatcher is essential to protect my delicate psyche from the dreamworld flak of nether-dwelling Demons, loud-mouthed alcoholic Spirits and the ubiquitous shape-shifting Lizard Men. But in this difficult epoch a dreamcatcher can become overladen with psychic energy, allowing foul night terrors to escape into the terrified subconscious of your children or pets. Compatible with most dreamcatchers, this sturdy wicker Nightmare Prison™ will hold your most obscene nightmares tight in a sealed black box. Connected through a Tibetan woolen cable, fresh horrors are compressed and locked away deep in the cube every night. Don't worry if it jumps around and rumbles a bit, that's just the nightmares trying to get out.
Encyclopedia Bullshitica (£39.49)
Tired of nightly dredging the internet like a mad brain on the loose searching for theories on which government agency is using Chemtrails to destroy your tomato harvest? And who replaced your loved ones with spies? Look no further, paranoid pilgrim. One search of the Encyclopedia Bullshitica will tell you all the misinformation you need to bore friends and co-workers until the end of the Mayan long count.
My First Pseudoscience Kit (£149.99)
Getting a child’s soft, pink brain interested in pseudoscience can be hard work, but this kit makes for an exciting and logic-defying introduction into the world of alchemy, astrology and invisible crystal energy. Spend Boxing Day building a “free energy” car battery using household magnets, salt crystals and a single car battery. Watch with pride as your kids learn to collect data on the population of faeries in the garden with the aid of powerful hallucinogens. You can even help them build a fully working transdimensional star gate in the garage using their imagination! The kit also teaches children to bodge data to support preconceived conclusions and circumvent their own rational objections to outlandish ideas. Skills essential to any budding young pseudoscientist.
Dr. Darren Icke is one of California’s leading pseudoscientists and the inventor of over 1,000 New Age products, from homeopathic contraceptive pills to a Prayer Telephone™. Dr. Icke took time out from undertaking difficult research at the Large Hardon Collider beneath the surface of Palo Alto (in which hard-ons are collided together at almost the speed of light), to speak to me about blasphemic New Age gadgets hitting the bazaars this solar cycle.