Dream Gig: Zara Gladman

My best gig happened just a few months ago. After dipping in and out of comedy for over 12 years, I finally committed and performed my debut hour at Òran Mór.

I’m one of those so-called 'TikTok' comedians. Since the pandemic, I’ve built a following for my characters, the most popular of which is 'Aileen', an oat-milk slurping, Pilates-going snobby mum from the West End of Glasgow. Encouraged by the Glasgow International Comedy Festival team, I registered my show, having no idea if anyone would want to come.

As it turned out, 270 people wanted to come – the show sold out! I booked a second show, which sold out too. Holy shit! Keenly aware of the potential pitfalls of transitioning from screen to stage – and let’s be honest, the snobbery directed towards 'online' comedians – I spent the next five months preparing. I was desperate to get it right. In between working full time, my evenings and weekends were spent obsessively writing, filming and editing, practising in my living room and hassling friends for feedback. There was no 'work in progress', I went all in.

So here’s the twist: I didn’t bomb. I had the time of my life! The show, which was perhaps foolishly complicated for a debut with costume changes, a live band, props and untested sketches, worked. Of course there were some pre-show nerves, but they quickly melted away thanks to my gorgeous audience who (as predicted by social media analytics) were ~60% women, of all ages. I even got to wear a Britney mic! I’ll never forget it. Good job I’m getting to do the show all over again this month.

From Òran Mór to Òran… Mordor: my dream gig would take place at the summit of Mount Doom, Middle Earth. How’s that for a gear shift?

The audience comprises various characters from Lord of the Rings, plus ageing millennials who Livejournalled their way through the 2000s, holding heated debates on who’s hotter: Aragorn or Faramir.

Gollum hosts. He’s gained a loyal online following for his offbeat, playful and sometimes surreal DIY videos, reminiscent of early Limmy (you’re not telling me Gollum wouldn’t put a spider in his mouth). His unconventional crowd work involves slapping audience members with a wet fish and shrieking “JUICY SWEET!”

Treebeard is a relative newcomer on the scene, having recently branched out (sorry) from acting to stand-up. His excruciatingly slow delivery means that he only manages a single one-liner during his five-minute spot: “I tried to write a joke about oak trees. But it was too a-corny!”

Aragorn bombs. But nobody cares, cos he’s hot.

The middle (Earth) spot goes to Shelob, the only spider on the lineup – the giant, flesh-eating arachnid community remains under-represented in comedy. Shelob fearlessly tackles taboo subjects like incest or feasting on your own kids.

Sauron, a comedy critic for The SmeagLOL lurks at the back, rolling his eye at hack material.

The bar is inexplicably staffed by Paul McCartney, who keeps the audience well-watered with his signature margaritas. He also doubles up as a musical act, performing his 'Meat Free Monday' rap during the interval. This deeply offends the orc community who are adamant that “meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

Meanwhile in the green room, Gimli – an alternative comic known for his underground gigs in the Mines of Moria – makes awkward chat with Faramir, an open spot who was heckled off the stage by his dad after five minutes. Other acts include Eowyn (“one to watch” – The Nazgûl) and Legolas, who trained at clown school and won’t shut up about it.

The stand out performer is Galadriel (“a rising, elven star” – The Rivendell Chronicle ), who holds up a magical mirror to the unrealistic beauty standards entrenched in elf culture, leaving the audience in bits.

After the gig, the audience vote on their favourite performers; the losers are cast into the fires of Mount Doom. The surviving acts head to Paesano (the Balrog always orders a number 4, Saruman loves a 6) then Sleazy’s where Pippin and Merry are DJing (pastoral folk floor-fillers).

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Zara Gladman & Friends, Òran Mór, Glasgow, 13 Jun, 7pm, £10, as part of WestFest
@zaragladman on Tiktok / @zanyzaz on Instagram and Twitter