Dream Gig: Krystal Evans

My favourite ever gig was in the basement of a pub in Glasgow. It actually had all the tell-tale signs of a nightmare: a rowdy crowd who were already too drunk, mostly gathered from the bar upstairs who were clueless there was a comedy gig about to start; hosted by the guy that ran the gig (a non-comedian); a ragtag group of comics (some established locals and some very alternative/weird acts) that would have gone down better in a wanky hipster bookshop; a giant pillar obscuring 30% of the crowd; in a venue that had been around for ages and constantly rearranged to see if it would help the gigs go any better (it never did). 

I was headlining and watched act after act go up and do bad to alright before an increasingly drunk and rowdy crowd, thinking to myself: of all the people in the Scottish comedy community, I am certainly not the one who should headline this gig. I am an American woman in a group of pissed locals. Like a beautiful (read: Very Sexy) exotic flamingo amongst a bunch of ratty city pigeons. Please don’t get offended or anything – this isn’t a commentary on Scotland, just this very specific group. And Glasgow. As any comedian will tell you, in this scenario being nervous is not only going to hinder you, but possibly put your life in danger.

My nerves made my body and brain transcend to some sort of higher plane; like when a protective mother summons impossible strength to lift a car off her child or someone who is freezing to death starts singing Hot in Herre by Nelly. I went into a state of complete zen. Some might call it denial. “You’ll be fine,” a concerned fellow comedian comforted me before I took to the stage. What a cunt, I thought. Anyway, it was probably the most fun I’ve had on stage before or since. I tamed that audience like a… goat tamer? I got 50 quid and 20 of it went on petrol. But for 25 minutes, I enjoyed stand-up comedy. And of course, I didn’t film it.

As I've mentioned, the shittiest places make the best comedy venues. Undersell and overwhelm. So I’d like to do a gig in an Ancient Egyptian tomb. Added bonus: you can make sarcophagus and mummy jokes. 'Is it dead in here or is it just me?' Etc. We’d get a string of fairy lights to add some atmosphere as well as a huge laminated poster of Steve Martin in his King Tut outfit and really piss off the Ancient Egyptian Gods and Goddesses. If a joke doesn’t land, you can blame it on an ancient curse. I feel there are just endless Ancient Egyptian jokes that haven’t been mined and we could dig it all up on the night. If all our ears start bleeding spontaneously because we’ve angered the gods, at least we’d die doing what we loved: disrespecting ancient religions. I think the Pharaohs would be down for a bit of comedy though. Have you read the Rosetta Stone? I mean I get that it’s important but it really needs punched-up. 

The audience would mainly be local Egyptians (because locals never do anything touristy so they’d get to see the inside of a pyramid for the first time), a smattering of archaeologists and all my pals from the Scottish comedy community. Roy Wood Jr (The Daily Show) would host, talk to some people and probably generally take the piss out of what a stupid idea this gig is; then Sandra Bernhard (Roseanne) would open and ruminate on what divas the Pharoahs all were; David Cross (Arrested Development) would go on and do very offensive material comparing Ancient Egyptian religion with Republican politics… he’d been asked to headline but wanted to go on before the interval so he can leave.

Fozzie (Muppet) and Data (Star Trek, not Goonies) would be the two five-minute open spots in the middle. The audience are mostly laughing at them but they are unaware and think they’ve killed it. Steph Tolev (Canada) headlines and destroys the room because surprisingly both the locals and archaeologists love material about mullets and cum. To celebrate, we’d all go out for a KFC (I hear there’s one right next to the pyramids).

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Follow Krystal Evans on Twitter @MsKrystalEvans and Instagram @krystalevanscomedy
Krystal Evans plays Do-Gooders Comedy, A Ukraine fundraiser at Bundits of Leith, Edinburgh, 6 Nov