Dream Gig: Hannah Platt

I love gigs. I love being on a crowded train for three hours to die on my hole in front of a crowd of toby jugs who assume I’m raising money for Samaritans. But they can’t all be winners. Some of them make me feel good about myself, which is NOT why I got into comedy. 

One such disaster was opening for Kiri Pritchard-McClean in Liverpool last year. Kiri’s tour support is, genuinely, always a dream gig, and I come away feeling the best version of myself. This specific date was special because it was in my hometown, and my mum was coming to watch for the first time. 

I’d really curated my mum's experience – in the same way you put your most interesting books on display when you think you might pull. She’d had a drink (everything’s funnier), it was in Liverpool (she won’t travel further than the IKEA in Warrington), and I’d sent a frantic text saying "anything I say is just a joke!!". I hoped even if she hated it, she’d see all Kiri’s fans, and think "Well, I don’t get it, but these women in sequins are laughing."

I was the first person in my family to go to uni and I’ve always worried my Mum thought pursuing comedy was a waste. But after that gig I felt like I was suddenly validated. I felt like Mum finally ‘got’ me. All it took was spouting my feelings to a theatre full of people (provided I couldn’t see her).

My dream gig would be a gala, purely because the word makes me feel like one of the Real Housewives. We’d hold it at burlesque dancer Dita Von Teese’s house, which is exactly what you might expect from someone who luxuriates in a giant champagne glass for a living – feathered walls, stuffed leopards, ornate chaise lounges (there’s nowhere comfortable to sit, have a day off Dita, jeeze) – so if anyone gets bored there’s plenty to look at. 

The bill is long because I’ve decided to stick myself on, only so I don’t have the anxiety that everyone’s thinking "why is SHE here?" (a classic). MC for the night would be Bob the Drag Queen. I love drag, but what I love about Bob is that they’re just a great comedian and would still be my pick for MC, sans wig and lashes. I’d also have YouTuber Trisha Paytas – but not current Trisha, who’s transitioned to ‘mommy vlogger’ – I’d have crying on the kitchen floor, "I came out as a chicken nugget because that was my truth at the time"-era Trish. When I feel low I watch her unedited videos where she wonders if dogs have brains, exposes her fake relationship with a cardboard cutout, and silently tries for ten minutes to pierce a Capri-Sun with a straw, before giving up and sucking the juice out the bag. She’s done some questionable stuff but I’m obsessed. Plus I think a set from one of the original internet trolls would be… something. 

I find nothing funnier than a rock star who has utter contempt for their fans, only matched by documentaries about said rock stars believing they’re the second coming of Christ. So of course on my dream gig lineup I’d have Anton Newcombe, lead vocalist of The Brian Jonestown Massacre and subject of documentary Dig!, which tracks the rivalries of BJM and The Dandy Warhols, as one scores a Vodafone advert, and the other unravels from a bruised ego at their friend’s successes. Newcombe would likely hate the gig, hate the venue and hate me – I’d love it. 

It can’t be my dream gig if Dylan Moran, Fern Brady, Liam Williams and Richard Gadd aren’t on the bill. These are the comedians that made me want to do comedy, do better at comedy, and want to quit comedy (I haven’t quit comedy – please come to my show). I really admire comics who are completely and unapologetically themselves, with the kind of act that wouldn’t make sense from anyone else. I’d also bring Michael J. Dolan out of retirement. As someone who was a crotchety old man since they were nine, I love Dolan’s nihilism, and I need a mate there to make eye contact with when Trisha asks who invented gravity. Afterwards we can have a party in Dita’s kitchen – it’s pink.

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Hannah Platt: Work in Progress, Monkey Barrel Comedy (MB1), 14 Jan, 6pm, £7
@hannahtheplatt on Twitter and Instagram