CHUNKS' Alternative Christmas Gift Guide

Alternative Gifts

• Why not give the gift of not giving a gift? Because let’s face it, life would be simpler if people just gave you something to give them next Christmas.

• How about giving away all the DVDs you can no longer watch due to their star/director/producer/writer being revealed as a creep in 2017. (CHUNKS’s member Paul Mcdaniel is giving Louie Seasons 1–3 to his nan).

• A gift voucher with the note: “You know why I can’t give you money.”

• If you are married to a bread-man a nice Christmas gift is to keep him away from heat, lest he toast (RIP Toby Wheatcrust). 

• The complete collection of the DVDs they sell in Primark. Or, instead of buying new or classic DVDs, create your own films for loved ones. (NB: This only really works if you are really sure you aren’t going to be a prick at some point). 

• Give your least favourite family member a Quality Street box filled with an assortment of screws and printed out Coldplay lyrics.

•Pets are starting to get a look-in on the Christmas action in recent years, with festive costumes and holiday treats keeping tails wagging on 25 December. But don’t forget about man's friend of a friend: the goldfish. This year, give your fish pal an all expenses paid trip to the North Pole by putting the goldfish bowl in the freezer. You can then turn your aquatic friend’s home into a highly effective snowball to toss at your enemies, or use it as the translucent head of a snowman to make your fish the belle of the snowball.

• A bottle of Before-shave. 

• Pigeons are part of the columbidae bird family; collectively known as ‘çolumbine’ or ‘terrible shitbringers’. A pigeon seduced my wife – my wife would rather be with a pigeon than me. And it could happen to you... My gift is death: death to all pigeons. 

• A Christmas jumper that’s only ugly on the inside.

• Get your parents a carbon cast of their footprints. This way mum and dad can be reminded that their Christmas shopping trips to New York and twice-yearly golf/sex-tourism holidays are, although keeping their marriage alive, in fact killing the planet.

• A dog, just to see if they’re ready for a baby next year.

• Men can be so hard to buy for... avoid presenting your dad with socks and a book he won’t read for the 27th year in a row by killing yourself.

• Women can be so hard to buy for, so it’s probably best you never meet any. But if you do, get them the latest accessory no gal should be without at a work Christmas party: mistle-finger! It's a novelty posy of small rubber hands, each gesturing a middle finger, to be held above one’s head in response to the Christmas party creep who has brought along his own mistletoe.

• Bath bombs are the perfect gift for any aunt/niece/cousin/person-who-has-a-vagina in your life, because nothing says Merry Christmas and "I don’t know you but am obligated to present you with a present" like a glittering yeast infection!

• A bath bomb defuser kit.

• A box of especially decorated kazoos: red (Karl Marx), blue (saltire), tartan (shortbread), green (cannabis leaf) and (yellow-banana).

• A calendar with famous baldies every month: January (Peter Gabriel), February (the Mitchell brother still in EastEnders), March (the other one that goes to meet gangsters of the world), April (Michael Style [sic]), May (Iain Duncan Smith), June (the baldy woman in the first Star Trek movie), July (Patrick Stewart), August (Moby), September (Nothing can compare to you [sic]), October (Duncan Goodhew), November (Guy Fawkes with no hair), December (Santa Claus with no hat or hair). 

• Post-it notes or a Filofax can help that special someone that needs to remember to bring props or other materials for an important magic trick or illusion at a business function.

• Savlon is always a timely gift.

• After being asked by family friends how you’re getting on, your parents have had to choose between washing away the shame or drinking away the shame, but now they can do both, with Shower Gin, the gin you can drink in the shower.

• For a hardcore Rick and Morty fan why not get them the special edition VHS with all the jokes written by women cut out.

• Instead of getting a last minute gift at the petrol station, buy your special someone a petrol station. Crude oil is projected to average $54.1 per barrel in 2018, 2% higher than previous estimates. The windfall from this market uptick, combined with declining US inventories, will make this the gift that keeps on giving.

• A Cadbury’s selection box is a great way of saying, ‘Here. Merry Christmas.’ or you can buy tickets to every CHUNKS show at McPhabbs during the Glasgow International Comedy Festival in March. But then don’t let them go. We shouldn’t be encouraged.

• For that very special magician in your life: a pineapple shoved right up him.

• Why not treat yourself to Now That’s What I Call Scottish Comedy Circuit Injokes 32?

• And, if you forget to buy a present, you can always issue them a Kevin Spacey apology: “I can’t remember not buying you a Christmas present, but if I didn’t I’m sorry. I’ve had sexual relations with both men and women.” Then send Christopher Plummer to Christmas dinner in your place.

Gifts for Kids

• It is CHUNKS’ co-daddy Nev’s son's first christmas! If you want your child brought up with the ethos of CHUNKS we recommend:

• Das Kapital (pop up version).

• Sammy the Magic Frog: he's a happy frog who wants to be your brother. His hobbies include laughing, friendship, responding to simple voice commands and screaming "I’M SORRY! PLEASE! DON’T!" whenever you try to remove his batteries.

• Captain Coprophagia’s Scatalogical Chocolate Factory for Kids: an affordable fun factory that comes with comic moulds, non-toxic dung and real scorpions.

• Baby’s First Airhorn.

• A special baby Jesus doll that can urinate on command: fill it with water, order it to urinate and out will pour a piping hot stream of serviceable mulled wine. It also defecates chocolate Santas.

• Gorilla Soldiers on Scorpions Island Playset: a delightful little set that contains small plastic gorilla soldiers, a prehistoric rocket cave, monkey slime and real scorpions.

• Lego Tim + Eric

• A healthy disrespect for any authority

Thanks to: Amelia Bayler, Chris Thorburn, Gabriel Featherstone, Hannah Cruickshank, James Rolland, Jim Hobbit, John Aggasild, Joseph Goss, Martin James, Nev, Paul McDaniel, Richard Brown

---

Chunksmas!, 18 Dec, 8.30pm, McPhabbs, Sandyford Pl, Glasgow, free entry
CHUNKS: Fuck 2017 It's Chunkmanay, 31 Dec, 11pm, McPhabbs, £3/PWYW
CHUNKS will also be resident at McPhabbs during the 2018 Glasgow International Comedy Festival, 8-25 Mar