Celebrity Big Brother – It's Time

It's hard to connect to people. We are all so different.

Each of us a unique individual with near infinite variations of tastes, likes, dislikes, passions and dreams.
For every 10,000 people who love Weekend at Bernies there will always be one person who thinks a movie about 2 guys fucking about with a corpse on a tropical island sucks.
We can never agree on anything, even when the thing is Andrew McCarthy's second best film... This is how wars start.

Thank goodness for the one single thing in each of our lives we can all unite on – hating celebrities for no real reason. Welcome back, Celebrity Big Brother. Here is the run down on who to hate and how much.

Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff
The American actress was famously married to David Hasselhoff for almost 17 years, meaning she has had more stained leather inside her than a CSL Sofa Warehouse.

Much like her husband, she is hugely popular in Germany and once received the Otto Award for popularity among German Teens (Narrowly beating Lederhosen and Scheiße in Ihrem Mund )

Sally Bercow
Wife of the Speaker of The House of Commons. She appeared in the Evening Standard wearing only a bed sheet and a smile and is suspected to have given more central-London Business men an erection than slightly warm bus seats and bra adverts combined.

She joined the Big Brother house in a self confessed attempt to 'upset the establishment' in a way that was more effective than a country-wide riot. She is much hotter than the man she is married to who looks like something I ate and dropped.

Patrick "Paddy" Doherty
Irish Traveler and bare-knuckle fighter who became famous via My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Cool – if a little scary – guy, who appears utterly lost in this televised world that is stranger than living in a house on wheels and punching people in the face for money.

Darryn Lyons
Australian paparazzo, media personality and entrepreneur. Famously worked for the Daily Mail in providing sensitive, thought provoking coverage of the Bosnian war, before joining the News of The World to tell everyone exactly how much of Rebbecca Loos was wrapped around David Beckham's cock. Currently on Big Brother displaying what appears to be a failed attempt by mad plastic surgeons to staple a wrestler's 6-pack to a 6 jumbo tins of ham.

Looks like a negative image of Mr T as drawn by a lunatic.

Lucien Laviscount
19 year old actor and all round hunky hunk. Put on the show purely to test sound booms on how well they could detect the sudden cracks of the female contestent's pelvic bones. Like previously mentioned reality shows, it's all just an elaborate attempt to make someone fuck someone else for our entertainment. They force them to share beds and make them oil wrestle and smuggle ice-cubes, all in the hope that they'll both end up crotch deep in each other on night-vision camera. If this was 2097, the likes of Lucien would just be strapped to a milking machine to save time while Snake Plisskin fights Ox Baker to the death.

Amy Childs
After appearing in ITV's reality horror show The Only Way Is Essex, scientists retracted all previous statements relating to the implausibility of storing 120lbs of medical waste inside a hollowed out Halloween decoration.

Currently favorite in the race to stuff all 19 years of Lucien inside her.

Tara Reid
The American Pie star fell out of favour after a botched boob job was revealed on live television.
Before Big Brother, Tara's nipples were last seen screaming at a mob of pitch-forked-wielding villagers from the top of Frankenstein castle. She also appeared in the shittest crow movie not to star Iggy Pop.

Bobby Sabel
Male model. Perfectly handsome and dreamy. Is the face of Swatch, Levi and Superdry. Probably has a dirty arse.

Kerry Katona
Former Atomic Kitten, currently atomic bomb of emotional and mental damage. Despite it being clear that the media spotlight is killing her, Channel 5 decided that absolutely nothing could go wrong by trapping her in a house with 30,000 cameras and Jedward. As far as a descent into pure evil goes, Channel 5 have just been crowned King-Darth-Vader.
Hey Big Brother producers. Ming The Merciless is in the green room waiting for his high-five.
Assholes.

JEDWARD.
Ireland's 2 headed, 4 armed, no-genitaled "FUCK YOU" to the rest of the world's eyes and ears.
Managed by Louis Walsh, I can only assume that long ago, Louis parents were murdered by temporal lobes and this is his final, bloody revenge.