Susan Calman

Shouting at me won't make your penis grow

Feature by Lara Moloney | 15 Feb 2006
  • Susan Calman

Where you are from?
Sunny Glasgow

No. of years in comedy?
Just the one - hoping to make it two

Best on stage experience?
I enjoyed the woman who took her top off when I was on stage just because I asked her (which never happens in real life by the way), but I am happiest anytime I get to MC at The Stand. Making the crowd sing 'In the Navy' while I danced at the Xmas shows was also fabby for me, but probably crap for the audience.

Worst on stage experience?
One of my first shows when I made the mistake of doing new material. If the audience had booed at least I would have known they were alive. I take comfort in the fact that maybe they just thought I was fixing the microphone.

Best heckle received?
Strangely I don't get too many heckles - I think its because usually boys heckle and they seem to be a bit afraid of me. I was called Smurfette once which I thought was quite a compliment.

Best comeback to a heckle handed out?
Shouting at me won't make your penis grow

What's the most freaky thing that has happened in your life?
I saw a ghost once - honest

What are you up to next?
Got my solo show in the Glasgow Comedy festival on March 10th and a collaboration with some boys on at Blackfriars. Also I'm hosting a monthly show for female comics at The Stand called SiStars, which is lovely.

If you could take three different meals to a desert island what would they be?
Macaroni cheese and chips
Several Curly Wurlys
20 Silk Cut

Who are your three favourite comedians?
Bruce Devlin, Susan Morrison and Jane Mackay. All have been lovely to me and are very funny. And Susan is as short as I am.

Who are three people you would like to have to dinner with?
Mae West - she was a very funny woman who got around a bit. I suspect she would have some good stories to tell.
Judy Garland - guarantees you won't be the most messed up guest at the end of the night.
Barbara Dickson or Elaine Paige - not bothered which one - I can sing both parts of 'I Know Him So Well'.

How would you fix the world right now?
The world has always been a bit rubbish but has got worse since people started obsessing about good and bad bacteria. Pro-biotic drinks mean that people are more concerned with bloated stomachs and are paying less attention to important things. In my day if you wanted to get some bacteria you would just lick the handrail at an underground station.

What is most hated household appliance?
George Forman Grills. Meant to be fool proof and allow you to safely grill bacon when drunk. All lies – they just give you a more attractive burn than you get from a frying pan.

Susan Calman performs at The Stand in Glasgow as the host of SiStars on Mon Feb 6, The Thursday Show on Feb 16, and Michael Redmond's Sunday Service on Feb 19. At The Stand in Edinburgh she again hosts Sistars on Wed Feb 8 and appears at Red Raw on Monday