Stand Up! featuring Frankie Boyle

Braw: The Jews. There will always be some people who are anti-semitic. I've decided to even things up by becoming a hardcore pro-Jew. Ok, they killed Christ but they've more than made up for it by inventing a bewildering range of breads.

Naw: Murdering Polish lassies. A truly shocking case. Who's ever heard of a priest having sex with an adult?

Braw: A dream I keep having at the minute where I appear at the end of my own bed and urge myself to take magic mushrooms. Amusingly, my subconscious portrays me as being really handsome.

Naw: The British soldiers held by Iran being allowed to sell their stories to newspapers. I wanted the rights to the story for a porno I'm making.

Braw: Limmy.com. Particularly a brilliantly rubbish sketch where he believes he's been sent a birthday card by the band Blue.

Naw: Stuffing the body of a murdered Polish lassie under a confession box. The locals at that parish must have come in to confess their bingo addiction and experienced a smell like Satan had reached a bony hand up out of hell and plunged it straight into their bowels.

Braw: Poofs. I know that if I went to parks at night for sex I could find the motivation to work out more. I have urged the Scottish parliament to look at combating childhood obesity by introducing compulsory homosexuality. They have said that it's already covered by the PE syllabus.

Naw: People taking jokes the wrong way. I'm looking at you Jews, Catholics and ghosts of murdered Polish lassies. Take a fucking joke.