Jim Jeffries

You've got to fake a smile about twenty times a day. I'm shit at it.

Feature by none credited (written up by Rupert) | 15 Jul 2006
What has been your favourite onstage experience?
For me personally, Reading in 2003. It was raining outside the tent, so it was packed – like doing a rock gig. Hearing three thousand people chant your name, there's no better feeling than that.

What is the strangest thing that has happened in your life?
People paying me to swear.

What is your most attractive feature?
I have very nice legs for a fat man. They're the legs of a young athlete.

What is your least attractive feature?
My smile. I never mean it, and people can tell. You've got to fake a smile about twenty times a day. I'm shit at it.

How would you fix the world right now?
Get rid of passports. That way there's no sense of who owns what. I'd get rid of patriotism, because patriots are always a little bit racist. Brits don't like Americans chanting "USA! USA!", but their "you want some?" attitude is just as bad.

What key lesson for life have you learned since becoming a comedian?
You can work drunk. For every good-looking woman out there there's a guy who's sick of putting up with her shit. You can't stay young, but you can be immature forever. Don't punch old ladies. I've got no lessons to teach; I'm an idiot. Sometimes people tell me after a show "I really liked what you were saying back there." If you listen to me you're a moron.

Do you have any projects in the pipeline?
My Edinburgh show at the Underbelly – The Second Coming. It's called that because it's my second Edinburgh show and the last one was about porn. I'm worried people will get the wrong idea. It's quite an epic title for someone who's just telling jokes.