Brendon Burns

Apparently thinks all religious ceremonies must be held in fancy dress. It's a little hard to start a holy war when a bear suit is involved. ""Oh but he looks so cuddly. How can we stay angry?"" Bear suits fix everything.

Feature by Lara Moloney | 17 Mar 2006
  • Brendon Burns

Where are you from?
A remote little part of space and time?
Best on stage experience?
Headlining the Montreal festival and a woman from Twentieth century fox approaching my agent afterwards.

Worst on stage experience?
Finding out that the woman from Twentieth Century Fox was full of shit. Oh and the time I snogged a goat on 'The Live Floor Show' and later found out that I'm allergic to goats.

What's the best heckle you've received?
After I'd asked the crowd "How many women in this room have a big cunt?" A middle aged lady let out a sigh and pronounced,?"Oh I don't know Brendon, I imagine all of us".

The best comeback to a heckle you've handed out?
"Madame I think you are confusing me with the man that has to put up with your shit just to get apathetic head once a month." (Not handed out to the woman above I might add. This is only reserved for the most obnoxious and drunken of women.)

What's the freakiest thing that has happened in your life?
Being circled by a police helicopter on the outskirts of Vegas in Nevada whilst on Mushrooms. Or getting enough mushrooms to get my entire audience high at the Glastonbury festival.

If you could take three different meals to a desert island what would they be?
Who's going to read this and go, "Oooh he'd take Japanese noodle soup. He sounds hilarious! I think I'll go and see him when he's in town for the Glasgow festival." Do you see what I did there? I managed to get my particular type of humor in and a plug. All off the back of a question asked by someone who had clearly run out of ideas, and now I've ruined it all by pointing it out. Actually this better represents my style. I do something slightly subtle then spoil it spectacularly. "What kind of meals would you take to a desert island?" Pfah! When asking comedians that and their general response has been "..Erm" have you never reconsidered it? I mean in a sit down it's great. Loosen them up, get them talking, bosh. But this is a questionnaire. It just feels weird. Let me ask you this, if you were a different colour which one would you be? Now that has everything! It opens up a whole world of comedic opportunity. They could be surreal or serious. There's the ethical angle of it all too. Y'know, "Will or won't this be considered racist? He said he'd like to be black does that means he hates Asians? Let's get him!"

Who are your three favourite comedians?
Now you see you've done it again. I'm nowhere near famous enough for anyone to give a fuck about that and no one's going to go, "Ooooh he likes Richard Pryor. Now that he's dead so do I. The same goes for Bill Hicks. Where can I see this man? He sounds brilliant. Hope he?dies soon so I can like him." Oh yeah that's another one of my styles, I take the piss a bit.

Three people you would like to have to dinner?
Oh for Christ's sake. Actually, yes, yes good one. I take it all back. I'd like to ask God, Jesus and Satan. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks start.

How would you fix the world right now?
All religious ceremonies must be held in fancy dress. It's a little hard to start a holy war when a bear suit is involved. "Oh but he looks so cuddly. How can we stay angry?" Bear suits fix everything.

What is your most hated appliance?
Actually I'm getting into the swing of this. I'd say everything in my house as none of it fucking works. Particularly my toaster 'cos I don't have one.

Brendan Burns appears at Bluu in the Merchant City on Friday March 17 at 8.30pm as part of the Glasgow International Comedy Festival

http://www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com