The Skinny Showcase: Jacob Kerray

Gallery | 02 Nov 2010

R Chu'lak Escamillo’s complete Significances
Retrieved from UGKP muscle-punk diskette by First Officer Matthew Raymond Black, Serjeant-at-Law Norman  James Hogg and Spielefuhrer Jacob Kerray.

Yossi Grimmelshausen is the quickest player to reach 500 premier league goals in a mind-shattering 65 games.

“Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.” Was translated into Spanish 13 times in December 1995.

In the year 2035 the universe's first energy-based player Claricticos ("Little Claridge" in his native Nebulese) was banned and then reinstated by the Scottish Football Association. His alterations in air pressure (causing movement of the ball in the air) were first deemed illegal then, on appeal, 'in effect not unlike touches on the ball with the chest head or foot'. He was, however, forced to glow claret and navy - the colours of his club Inverness Caledonian Thistle – and inform the referee if he believed he had handled. However, in 900 professional appearances he was called offside 4538 times due to his particles.

Cloaking devices were made illegal in 2160 after a Planetoid Super Shield match between Red Star Belgrade and Raal Young Boys when two goals were given after phantom deflections. The disqualification of Red Star was said to have been a major step in the illegalisation of all stealth technology leading to the formation of the United Federation of Transplanetary Balkanisation.

Fernando Lázaro Carreter scored 58.47% of his goals with his legs. The highest player that is still playing in the Premier league is obviously Santiago Ramón y Cajal. With 50% of ‘leggers’ scored, he is lying in 2nd.

The Librarian Striker George Weah was cloned in 1997 and 17 successful models were kept in stasis for a number of years, however when awakened in 2196 they were not granted work permits to play in any of the federations top flight leagues.

The most violent game of ‘Stretch Football’ ever recorded was played inside the data-glove compartment of the Spanish president Manuel Concepción’s Limo in 2035. Whilst being rocked, beaten and graffitied by pro-globilisation protesters the yen collapsed and 13.2 corporate lawyers were re-sleeved into dangerous strategic positions.

The Eternal Governor holds the current record for yellow cards in the league with 91 in his long and surely permanent career, currently 3 ahead of 2nd in the list Noble Savage.

Shakin’ Stevens, the Chelsea and Mexico defender, died of space sickness 2.3 seconds after being jettisoned for in-game subordination in March 1994.  The publicity surrounding the death of the 29 year old left-back, who had never lost a game while playing for England, was instrumental in persuading his arch rival Dr Wolfgang Schnell to participate in a mass demonstration against totalitarian football regimes.

Chelsea, Man Utd and Liverpool used the most amount of disposable players this season with 30. Aston Villa used the least with only 21 ‘tiro amistosos’ used up.

Goal nets were first used in 1791. This data was retrieved from muscle-punk diskette ¡No manches !XII. This was all it contained. It can be viewed intermittently between decks 5 and 6. Touching is permitted but erections are not guaranteed by the new UEFA.

On July 9th 1997 Stuart Foot scored.

On Boxing Day 1993 a referee at a friendly match in north London drew a KF7 Soviet and shot dead a player who disputed a penalty decision. The referee escaped on horseback ?

Benjamin Massing of Spanish Cameroon is still the only player to be investigated by police after a particularly fair/nasty challenge on Claudia Cannegia in Milan in 1990. Massing was sent to court but could not be convicted as insufficient evidence was put forward. Massing’s lawyers said their client was playing the ?ballos! not the ?manos!

The Govan Giants used television evidence to show why they should avoid the death penalty at an SNFA disciplinary hearing in 1995 (tr2343/yz0005). This was the first time a Scottish human team used TV footage to escape body-sleeve dismissal.

There has been a staggering 19,628 yellow cards dished out since the league was formed. Shared out by 1,961 players. Bewildered and suspended. Insensible on the ground. Baffling.

Bishop McClintock has played the most PL games with 573 matches played. He's currently ahead of Ryan García-Iglesias (548), Jerry ‘Spain under Franco’ Speed (535), Solomon ‘top shelf’ Campbell (496) and Elroy ‘beauteous virgin’ Hernández (469).

Jacob Kerray's work is on show at the collective gallery until 28 nov