Student Guide: Horoscopes for every Scottish University

Mystic Myrtle is a bit like Clubs Editor Myrtle except she’s wearing a bandana and fumigating her flat with Nag Champa incense. After much consultation with the planets and Reddit, she brings you the star signs of Scottish universities (in our distribution area – sorry Stirling). Mystic Myrtle is not responsible for last minute degree changes. Please do not get your parents to email her, she’s far too busy astral projecting. 

Aries – University of Edinburgh
21 Mar – 19 Apr

Much to the University of Edinburgh’s dismay, they can never quite hit the number one spot for university rankings. So to cheer them up, I’ve put them first! Congrats guys! Savour it! Ambitious and prestigious, the University of Edinburgh breeds a culture of critical thinking – whether that’s using your cognitive skills to debate the ethics of human cloning, or critically engaging with the fact that after three months, you still haven’t met a Scottish person. You Edinburgh Uni students are really paving the way for us all, or at least paving the way back to London once your four years are up. 

Taurus – University of Dundee
20 Apr – 20 May

The quality of life in Dundee is great. It’s the sunniest city in Scotland, it’s cheaper than the Central Belt and there’s a great big boat looking thing. What more could any student ask for? Ruled by the steady, comfort-loving Taurus sign, students at the University of Dundee like their dependable pleasures. Fish and chips by the Tay, cheap pints by the Tay, looking at the big boat thing by the Tay – just anything by the Tay. Despite their hardworking and practical personalities, Tauruses are ruled by sensual Venus. Add shagging by the Tay to the list!

Gemini – Edinburgh College of Art
21 May – 20 Jun

My alma mater is also my star sign – what a coincidence! Us ECA-ers are Gemini through and through. Spontaneous, independent and easily bored, we’re always juggling too many projects. Whether you’ve decided to knit a life-size replica of the Sagrada Familia, or host a pottery throwdown with the entire music tech class in your shoe-box flat – you just can’t keep that creativity at bay. Geminis are known as social animals, ideal for students looking to embarrass themselves at ceilidhs, club nights and catwalks – or at the ECA’s very own boozer, The Wee Red Bar. No paper maché with those beer mats now kids!

Cancer – Napier University
21 Jun – 22 July

Ahhh Napier. After a gruelling COVID-stricken undergrad, my master’s degree at Napier University has been bliss. Like Cancer signs, you’re nurturing, intuitive and family orientated. Just look at the way you celebrate the Napier fledglings once the time comes for them to leave the Brutalist nest. Plastering the sides of Edinburgh trams with every graduate's name or changing the name of Shakespeares pub to The Napier Graduate – the Napier lot have each other’s backs. Now I feel all gooey inside. Someone pass the mystic a tissue. 

Leo – Royal Conservatoire of Scotland
23 Jul – 23 Aug

Let me start this off by saying FUCK Timothy Chalamet, the real ones know that the classical arts aren’t dead. Knowing how to play the bassoon is still cool. There’s loads of demand for ballerinas in the current job market. Organ scholars are IN for 2026. The students at the Royal Conservatoire embody the fiery Leo sign – they have no choice but to be fiercely loyal and completely stubborn, they’re fighting for the survival of the arts afterall. Leos back up their dedication to their craft with serious confidence. It would be annoying if they weren’t so damn talented. Play us another sonata, please, please, please! 

Virgo – Glasgow Caledonian University
23 Aug – 22 Sep

Glasgow Caledonian University is Virgo – or at least I strongly recommend they be. With a specialism in healthcare, nursing and midwifery, the GCU students align perfectly with the caring, detailed and meticulous nature of Virgos. Frankly, if I go into hospital and the nurse isn’t: a) a Virgo, or b) a graduate from GCU, then I’m getting outta there and doing the amputation myself. Glasgow Caledonian is also known for its high employability rates, which is a good thing considering Virgos are major perfectionists. No CV gaps for these overachievers. 

Libra – University of Glasgow
23 Sep – 23 Aug

Socially charming with a dash of people-pleasing, University of Glasgow students can chat up a storm – much to the dismay of their Glasgow peers who have to listen to their unique take on the accent. There’s a reason Glasgow Uni students have become synonymous with top chaaat, they are passionate truth-seekers with a love for seeing things from every perspective. That perspective is usually looking down over the rest of Glasgow, I mean, what fool built a university at the top of a hill?!?! Don’t you know we’re all smoking rollies now?!!?!!?

Scorpio – University of St Andrews
23 Oct – 21 Nov

The oldest of Scotland’s universities is famous for beautiful sea views, a top university ranking and of course, THE STEAMY FLAT WHERE WILLS AND KATE GOT IT ON!! If you’ve made it into the hallowed grounds of St Andrews, you’re probably quite determined – just like your star sign Scorpio. It’s a tight-knit place where everyone knows everyone, which makes you an enigma to outsiders. What the hell do you get up to with three pubs in the whole joint? How the hell do you even get to St Andrews? Is your flatmate actually in line to the Swedish throne? We’ll never know with those secretive St Andrews Scorpios. 

Sagittarius – Glasgow School of Art
22 Nov – 21 Dec

Firstly, may I offer an apology for making the GSA a fire sign in light of recent blazes. Sagittariuses are free-spirited, principled and combustible (fuck sake). You’re never content with what has been done, instead, you strive to create work that is better, bigger, more outlandish and more unthinkable than all your predecessors. Sagittariuses are fearless, as are the GSA students traipsing up Sauchiehall Street dressed like Leigh Bowery on a drizzly Tuesday morning. Going to a GSA graduate show gives us mortals insight into what goes on in your brains. Frankly, it seems terrifying. Keep it up.

Capricorn – Heriot-Watt University
22 Dec – 19 Jan

The chances of any Heriot-Watt student reading this horoscope are extremely slim. Rising signs? Retrogrades? Why are you asking me what time I was born? Capricorns are grounded, practical and responsible, just like the STEM-focused students at Heriot-Watt. I imagine the appropriation of their venerated solar system for horoscope purposes would leave them outraged. Thankfully they’re none the wiser, having not left the library since last semester. Don’t sleep now, you industrious bunch! Note to Freshers: don’t get a Herriot-Watt student to show you round Edinburgh, the only reason this lot ventures beyond the bypass is to guzzle WKDs at Hive. Stick that up your culture. 

Aquarius – University of Strathclyde
20 Jan – 18 Feb

Oh Strathclyde. Despite your great reputation, fantastic rankings and central location, you live in the shadow of your big Russell Group brother. But you’re an Aquarius, so that’s okay with you. You’re independent, original and maintain harmony with those around you. That being said, the swinging spirit of the Sixties can still be felt at the Strath Union. Established in 1964 (during the Age of Aquarius no less), the Strath Union has a reputation for being one of the best amongst the Scottish universities. Even the Glasgow Uni lot prefer it. Isn’t that a win for peace and love? 

Pisces – Duncan of Jordanstone
19 Feb – 20 Mar

It’s only fitting that Duncan of Jordanstone College is Pisces, the dreamy water sign. Creative, empathetic and adaptable to any situation, these art students have learned to make peace with their coastal surroundings. A seagull steals your homemade falafel and beetroot wrap? Aren’t the natural cycles of life tremendous! You leave your technical drawings of sprouts in the rain? You’ve always wanted to experiment with abstraction! A drunken Dundonian shouts garbled insults at you on the bus? Aren’t the ways we communicate with one another enthralling! These easygoing fish just keep swimming.