The Wide Angle: Getting Some Action

Some people will view your fatness itself as a fetish. Leave if you're looking for a less mono-dimensional experience

Feature by Charlotte Cooper | 10 Jun 2007
People who believe in stereotypes think that fat folks never have sex because we are too lazy, too ugly, too busy eating or too busy being the jolly, self-deprecating and/or psychotic side-kick. Readers of this column know better, but finding sex partners can be tricky if you've grown up internalising this rubbish, and live in a world where a lot of other people think you'll be a poor proposition in the sack. So here are a few pointers for getting some action if you're a frisky fat queer.

Sex can be a fantastic boost, but you might want to spend some time building your self-esteem elsewhere if it's not yet looking rosy. It helps if you know that fat queers are just as sexy as anybody else, and can challenge the inevitable fat-(and homo-)phobia around you.

No-strings sex is always easier to find than the more complicated sort, especially if you're not discerning. Money helps too: it's possible to buy sex, obviously, but more to the point money facilitates travel to places where there are strong fat queer communities. This is especially pertinent for women who might want to explore their sexuality in a safer environment. NOLOSE, the organisation for fat dykes and their allies, hosts fabulous play parties, and there are abundant sexual possibilities at San Francisco's Dyke March. Portland, too, has a wonderfully politicised fat queer community.

In the UK, the fetish scene is generally quite welcoming to fat queers, and there's a fairly established bear club circuit for fat gay men. Look for club flyers in fetish shops and magazines, or search online for local venues. Beware of dress codes: large-sized fetishwear is scarce and many places have door policies – just do the best you can. Bear in mind that some people will view your fatness itself as a fetish. Have fun if you're comfortable with this, but leave if it's creepy, or if you're looking for a less mono-dimensional experience.

The best way to find great sex when you are a fat queer is to put yourself out there: make a zine, start a band, do a show, put on a festival. Such activities are guaranteed to demonstrate that you are excellent, and people will want to, ahem, "get to know you". Hey, it worked for me.
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