Millennial Wankers: Erotic ASMR

Welcome to Millennial Wankers; a column in which I’ll give you the lowdown on the weird and the wonderful in the world of modern wanking. In the coming months we’ll be exploring everything from interactive masturbation tutorials to hands-free orgasms, binaural orgasmic soundtracks to online erotic literature, meditation-masturbation to futuristic sex toys. I won’t pretend to be an expert, but what I currently lack in knowledge and experience in terms of modern erotic resources, I hope to make up for in enthusiasm.

This month I’ll be trying erotic ASMR. First, a little bit about ASMR or ‘Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response’. Not an intrinsically sexual experience, it is categorised by a feeling of ‘low grade euphoria’ as a result of relaxation, whereby specific acoustic and visual stimuli binaural recordings trigger bodily responses like tingly skin and shivers. Essentially, this boils down to watching someone pour and drink a glass of San Pellegrino on YouTube and hoping that the sound of carbonated liquid makes your skin tingle. As I watched this very video I pondered how on earth ASMR was meant to get me off – all I felt was a low-key urge to pee.

Then I discovered where I was going wrong. The moment you type ‘erotic’ or ‘boyfriend’ alongside ‘ASMR’, a whole new world of men and women purring at you opens up.

It’s important to note here that some ASMR fans have a real problem with the erotic ASMR movement as they feel it corrupts an experience that was not intended to be about eroticism and sexuality, but rather about relaxation and intimacy. The tingles experienced are involuntary, starting in the scalp and moving down the spine, all because someone brushed their hair into an expensive microphone. In contrast, erotic ASMR invites you into specific roleplaying scenarios while maintaining that all-important sense of intimacy.

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I learned a couple of things during my experimentation with ASMR. I learned that when a person makes kiss sounds into a microphone, the feeling of headphones buzzing in your ear is eerily similar to reality. I also learned that when you break down a kissing noise into its constituent parts without the actual sensation, it’s fucking disgusting.

The fantasy element is the most interesting part of erotic ASMR; if you’re looking for a specific roleplay to get you off, you can probably find it, no matter how kinky or niche. ASMR aims for immersion, which is where it ultimately failed me. Perhaps if the videos had stuck to ear kissing, breathing and the oh-so distinctive sounds of belts unbuckling and trousers hitting the ground, I might have been able to superimpose an image of my partner into the action.

But unfortunately for me, the ASMR creators also talk at you. I was stuck inside weirdly specific scenarios, with videos called things like Your First Time or Your First Night As My Babygirl (nauseating). What’s more, things often become interactive, with spaces left open in the monologue casting the listener in the starring role. Said monologues can get somewhat cloying, as the speaker relentlessly coos: “Let me kiss your cheek, it looks so good… wow, your other cheek looks so good. I’ll kiss that too. Your mouth looks so good!” and on, and on. If this happened to me in reality I would most definitely leave.

While this particularly intimate porn wasn’t my cup of tea (hard-hearted creature that I am), judging by the comments section and the 42,000 views on a single recording, it certainly is for many. It covers kinks and niches that regular porn doesn’t access, and if you’re craving the romantic aspect of sex then perhaps erotic ASMR might be up your street.