The Dirty Dozen - June, 2008

In a special edition of The Dirty Dozen, we let The Skinny's band of 2007, The Twilight Sad, sound off on this month's singles. We knew this could have gotten ugly, and it did...

James Graham (Vocals)

Andy MacFarlane (Guitar)

Craig Orzel (Bass)

THE RASCALS – FREAKBEAT PHANTOM

James: I don't mind that.

Andy: It just sounds like that other band, the Shadow Puppets.

Nick: Don't you think he sings like Alex Turner?

Andy: Aye, I've listened to that Shadow Puppets record and I get confused.

Nick: Rating out of ten?

James: Six.

Andy: Aye, it's not bad, it's not good, it's just aaaaverage.

[Craig enters]

Andy: You missed the first one. A scouse band. Would you be into that?

Craig: Aye, why not?

James: He doesn't need to hear that one.

6/10

James: Put on Little Man Tate, cause I know that's gonnae be pish! I heard one song by them and I nearly spewed.

LITTLE MAN TATE – WHAT YOUR BOYFRIEND SAID

Andy: They should just give up, man.

Nick: Rating out of ten?

James: One. Two. One and a half. That was bollocks. I knew that was going to be bollocks. I could do this for a living. This is great.

1.5/10

LEVELLERS – BURN AMERICA BURN

Andy: Is What A Beautiful Day getting reissued? That's a ten!

James: How old are the Levellers? Pretty old.

Nick: I didn't know they were still together.

James: Neither did I.

Andy: It sounds like a gypsy version of The Associates. I don't know why they're still together.

James: Four, at the best. One for the fans!

4/10

GAVIN ROSSDALE – LOVE REMAINS THE SAME

Andy: See if it sounds like Gwen Stefani, it might be alright. Anyone who is boabin' her gets five marks straight away!

James: This is gonnae be shite. [sings] "Swallowed!". This sounds like our drummer's old band. Pure pop rock. They were amazingly bad. This just sounds like too American, like that band Daughtry. Slash played with them once, and that's what this sounds like.

Craig: The start of it sounds like the Velvet Underground. [play intro again]

Andy: Aye, Heroin.

James: It sounds like Heroin, plus he's got five bonus points for shagging Gwen Stefani.

Andy: Two points for Heroin and five for Gwen Stefani, so that's seven.

James: No, you can't give it seven!

Andy: But if you read the review it'll be explained!

7/10

JASON MRAZ – I'M YOURS

Andy: What's he got to do with anything?

Nick: “San Diego-based troubadour”, apparently.

James: Eek.

Andy: This sounds like Jack Johnson or something.

James: I think a wee minus point might be in order.

Jason Mraz: "But I won't hesitate no more!"

Craig: I can't take no fucking more either!

Andy: That's no even worth talking about!

James: Give that nothing. They were signed for tax reasons.

0/10

JOAN AS POLICE WOMAN – TO BE LOVED

James: She used to go out with Elliot Smith. (Actually, it was Jeff Buckley - Pedantic Ed)

Andy: He's pure deid, but.

James: It's pretty shite that eh?

Andy: It sounds like that lassie from High Fidelity. She can get five bonus points for being in Rufus Wainwright's band, but she can get minus three for sounding like that lassie from High Fidelity.

Nick: Equals two.

Andy: Aye, but you'll need to explain that.

2/10

LYKKE LI – I'M GOOD, I'M GONE

Nick: Have you heard of Lykke Li?

James: Aye, I like her. I've seen her name all over the place. She's touring with that band we played with, Shout Out Louds.

Andy: Sounds like Feist.

James: Aye, she is quite feisty!

All: Hahaha!

James: I seriously didn't mean it like that!

Andy: I quite like it. I'd say a seven.

7/10

IRON & WINE – LOVESONG OF THE BUZZARD

James: I've got this album but I've not listened to it yet.

Craig: It sounds like Sex and the City!

Andy: It pure does!

James: I could take or leave it.

Andy: It gets a point off for them being in that cheesy film Garden State.

James: I liked that!

Andy: Was a seven, point off for Garden State.

James: So six.

6/10

HERCULES & LOVE AFFAIR – YOU BELONG

James: It's meant to be quite good, this. [CD fails to play]

Andy: Give it a zero. A big fat zero cos it doesnae work!

James: Give it a ten!

Andy: Nut! Zero. [CD eventually plays]

James: Orzel, you like it already! Orzel likes Italian disco.

Craig: It sounds like Streets of Rage 2. It's got a dance soundtrack like this.

Andy: Is that Antony [Hegarty] singing?

James: No, it cannae be. Pitchfork gave it like 9.8 or something.

Andy: Fuck Pitchfork!

Craig: It sounds like a wild night of sex and cocaine and it's all gone fucking wrong and they're fucking each other and there's coke everywhere and they thought, 'we've got tae do a song!'

Andy: Give it two.

2/10

DOES IT OFFEND YOU YEAH? - EPIC LAST SONG

Nick: Will this offend you, yeah?

James: Yeah I've heard that and it's bollocks. Nearly as bad as the new Fratellis one.

Andy: It sounds like it should be on Skins. It sounds a bit like The Dykeenies.

James: They're not American enough to be The Dykeenies! Give it two.

Andy: Don't give it fucking two, give it zero!

0/10

PANIC AT THE DISCO – THINGS HAVE CHANGED

James: They did that Nine in the Afternoon song that was in Heroes. I liked Heroes. I didn't like the song though.

Nick: I thought they were an emo band but this isn't emo at all.

James: It seems like they're trying to go for the Queen vibe.

Craig: Give it 4.4.

James: One point for trying to sound like Queen, but take it off for sounding like The Feeling!

Nick: So that's a healthy zero?

Andy: Aye.

James: Andy, none of your ratings have got anything to do with the tunes, but.

0/10

ELBOW – ONE DAY LIKE THIS

Andy: He cannae sing.

James: He's a really nice guy, but.

Andy: Who cares if he's a nice guy? He cannae sing!

James: Apparently he was one of the top 20 hottest guys in Glamour magazine.

Andy: He's a scruffy bum! Is there a B-side? We should review that instead.

Craig: A lot of bands just focus on one part. There's no chords in there. It's like a vacuum of noise. You can't identify the chords or bassline or anything.

James: I wanted to be nice in these reviews...

Andy: Why kid on that you like something when you clearly don't? Give that one.

1/10

The results have been collated and there is a tie for single of the month, but given that Gavin Rossdale's rating consisted entirely of bonus points for being Mr Gwen Stefani, and for sounding like The Velvet Underground, it seems fair to hand this month's accolade to the perfectly feisty Lykke Li.