XFM Column

Ah, summertime. Wasps, ice cream and festivals. So many festivals. It seems anyone with a field and a vague knowledge of music is jumping on the bandwagon. Stick up a Main Stage and a couple of tents and you're sorted. The burger vans will turn up and suddenly an area that is a bleak wasteland 51 weekends a year becomes a musical carnival of sunburnt twenty-somethings in multi-coloured Jester hats.

So I decided to, theoretically, organise my own festival. With a giant map and a tiny pin, I have chosen Crieff to host my event. Now all I need is a clever pun, like 'Rock Ness' or 'Bestival'. The 'Good Crieff!' festival should do the trick. It is gonna be massive.

Now I don't have a million pounds to book the Rolling Stones, so I was a bit stumped for a headliner. Then it dawned on me. The Automatic. They are the essential festival band – given that they are playing every other festival. Like ghosts to a baseball field, if you build it, they will come. The rest of the line-up is "to be confirmed."

The second stage will be the McGonigal stage, named after the frankly awful poet William McGonigal who once wrote: "Ye lovers of the picturesque, if ye wish to drown your grief / Take my advice, and visit the ancient town of Crieff" (to be honest, one of his better compositions). It'll be a mix of new bands, traditional music, poetry and the BMX Bandits. And many more!

The third, and most innovative stage will be the Obi Wan Kenobi Tent, named after Ewan McGregor's (who went to school there) younger take on the Star Wars character. Here the local youth theatre will act out scenes from Star Wars in between sets from the local high school battle of the bands.

Finally, the frilly bits: those add-on essentials to make your festival different to every other one. You know, the boutique camping or the dressing up tent. Well, how's this? A real Highland Games where anyone can join in. Try your hand at Caber tossing and wellie boot throwing whilst a string of (well, two) Hospital Radio Perth DJ's play every number one single, in sequence, since 1962.

I don't know what's more preposterous. The fact that I'm making light of how people come up with the ideas for their festivals and making a mockery of the whole organisation process or the fact you're hoping there's "Good Crieff' ticket details in italics at the bottom of this column.