The Metal Column - December 2009

Although the cold snaps of December typically signal a lull in all metallic operations, a broad range of both seasoned and unrefined heaviness rounds out the year, dislodging us from the double zeros once and for all.

In the mid-80s, the Parents’ Music Resource Center (PMRC) were on a religious crusade to protect America’s impressionable youth from the likes of Blackie Lawless and W.A.S.P. Support them in their quest to reclaim Sunset Strip supremacy, complete with buzzsaw blade jockstraps, at the Garage in Glasgow (6 Dec). The same venue hosts drugstore cowboys Monster Magnet the following night (7 Dec). Here’s hoping they’ll dip into their back catalogue and dust off a few jewels from their definitive debut album Spine of God, arguably the most satisfying moment of stoner rockdom.

Brainstorming urban guerillas or astronautical psychedelic warlords? Hawkwind (or whatever’s left of the original lineup) reassert themselves as THE seminal spacerockers at the Glasgow O2 ABC (18 Dec), while role-playing fantasy gamers Dragonforce defend the citadel of powermetal in grand style at Fat Sam’s in Dundee (4 Dec) and the Ironworks in Inverness (5 Dec). Fire-breathing lizard-like creatures will be sacrificed onstage for the pure enjoyment of the mere mortals in attendance, so wear plenty of leather for protection.

At Bannerman’s in Edinburgh, gob-swallowing hurt-merchants Corpses bring the smackdown in celebration of ye olde Hardcore Xmas with some mosh-friendly support from aspiring underage sodomites The Colour Pink Is Gay (18 Dec). On the previous weekend, the Old Town sewers will overflow with contaminated medical waste when Vomit The Soul, Embryonic Despair and Kastrated perform live aural autopsies (12 Dec). Expect to be excreted alive in an act of malignant defecation.

Australian death-desirers Altars and California delinquents Trash Talk stink up the basement at 13th Note (1 Dec), then Louisville lowlifes Lords rip everyone a new one at Captain’s Rest (2 Dec). Looking northward to the frigid shores of Aberdeen, blood guzzlers Achren harass the locals at Mooring’s Bar (5 Dec) with help from Downfall.

Anguished screams metamorphose into ambient noise as lonewolfs Sunn 0))) shake the abysmal foundations of Stereo (6 Dec) with their outsider atmospheric drones and minimalist haze. Their collaborators are always an unexpected treat, so there’s really no way to predict who might join them onstage this time around. Strictly enforced dress code: head-to-toe black, thank you very much.

A full-blown Finnish invasion lands at Ivory Blacks (4 Dec) when death/doom disciples Swallow The Sun wallow in gloomy bereavement alongside Insomnium and Omnium Gatherum. The following week, pirate impersonators Alestorm hijack the Cathouse (9 Dec) with support from nihilist punters The Rotted. Another winter solstice is upon us, so mark its passing as you see fit. Metal, booze and the unadulterated worship of heathen icons might be your best bet.