The Festive Five: Johnny Lynch on Little Drummer Boy

The Skinny: Okay, we’re sorry for what’s about to happen. Are you ready?
Johnny Lynch: Yes, I'm ready…

Boney M – Little Drummer Boy [1/10]
JL: Why don't I know what this one is? Is this Mary's Boy Child?
TS: No. Right artist though.
JL: Beautiful. Little Drummer Boy. It's a classic, isn't it? There's a really good version of this song by Dandy Warhols. I've forgotten who was the artist who did this version. This is not up there with the David Bowie and Bing Crosby version.
TS: This is Boney M.
JL: I've never given Boney M a listen beyond Mary's Boy Child, and I feel like I must have heard this version of the song on supermarket tannoys. They’re not bringing anything new to the song. I know this isn't really a review segment, but I think they should stop pursuing the Christmas tunes. I’m gonna give Boney M one out of 10. Come and find me Boney M, on Eigg.
TS: That is harsh.

Dandy Warhols – Little Drummer Boy [10/10]
JL: So this is the one I was just talking about – the Dandy Warhols! This is a much better version. That synth line’s so good. Iconic. I'm feeling festive after listening to this. So yeah, this is on a compilation, It's a Cool Cool Christmas, that XFM did with Jeepster. I do really like this version a lot; they reissued this on vinyl a few years ago. It's so good. Beautiful. The harmonies, the synth line, 10 out of 10, I’m a man of extremes.
TS: Alright, you probably see where this is going now…

Low – Little Drummer Boy [10/10]
JL: Nice ominous synth at the beginning of this one – festive! I want to say Chris de Burgh – A Spaceman Came Travelling, but I don't think it is that.
TS: No.
JL: Okay, I can now see where this feature is going. This is Low, isn't it? From their Christmas EP. This is beautiful, very atmospheric. It's very crisp sounding. You can feel your feet crunching through fresh snow, listening to this version. This is a GOOD song that Boney M totally ruined. But this version, it's simplistic, you've got that organ drone going throughout, you've got some drums going pa rum pa pum pum – thank you Mimi, doing a great job there – and then just beautiful harmonies. 

This is the Little Drummer Boy that you would listen to after you've had Christmas dinner... you've gone really too heavy on the Christmas dinner, like heavier than you've ever done it, you’ve stuffed yourself with an extra mince pie after Christmas pudding and now you need a dark room to go in and just sweat before you watch a movie with the rest of the family. This is a little drummer boy to escape to, and to slowly sweat out your Christmas dinner to. I know that I've just dished out a 10 out of 10, but this is another 10 out of 10. I'm going extremes.

Dolly Parton – The Little Drummer Boy [3/10]
JL: Starting off, she's got a great session drummer; he's got the memo, he's delivering some pa rum pa pum pums straight off the bat. This is nice though, sort of very adult contemporary acoustic guitar strums. I mean, I'm already not liking it and I feel like, how far are we into it like ten, 20 seconds. This is 1990s Dolly. She's gone for a more Nirvana acoustic unplugged, dry sound, but I'll be honest, Dolly, it's not working for you. This is an agonising version, she's really pouring out her heart on this one. It’s tortured.

Oh, there's some nice low backing vocals, though, which I assume isn't her, but… the very low pa rum pa pum pums could be Dolly, but with a pitch shifter, that she got for Christmas. She's definitely delivering this more like a contemporary Christian rock version… YES, just as I said that the choir’s kicked in. This is the most spiritual version I've heard, and I'm not here for it.

Aw, there's a bell though, there's some bells going on. She sings, ‘I played my drum for him, I played my best for him’, but I really think that she's just paid top dollar for a good session drummer on this track and she hasn't committed any drum to tape herself. Well, fair play, Dolly, you took on a good song, but I have to say, it’s only mildly better than Boney M for me, it's a three out of ten. Is Ros gonna hate me?
TS: Noooo.
JL: I absolutely love Christmas, so I'm glad that I was asked to do this, I'm feeling Christmassy already!

Justin Bieber – Drummer Boy (ft. Busta Rhymes) [4/10]
JL: Is it Jedward?
TS: No.
JL: I don't know what to say about this. Oh, he's done something jazzy with the rum pa pum pum. Don't do that to this song. Oh wow, it's gone a bit happy hardcore. Is this Romeo Taylor?
TS: I wish!
JL: Oh, they’re rapping? Is this Justin Bieber?
TS: Yes.
JL: Is it? I'm disappointed at this because he is a drummer boy, he was a little drummer boy. So maybe this has got some special significance for him, but I don't think he's drumming on this. I don't think anyone's drumming on this. If this doesn't have live drums on it, prepare yourself for a one out of ten, my friend. Oh my God, the guest has just jumped in: ‘Gather around the mistletoe real quick’. Is it Busta Rhymes? Amazing. ‘Matter of fact, let's gather around the fireplace, it's about to get hot in here’. Is Nelly going to join?
TS: Okay, Justin Bieber does play the drums, it says ‘live drums, track seven – Justin Bieber, and he produced it.
JL: Bieber produced this?
TS: Yeah, vocals, rap vocals, live drums, music producer – according to Wikipedia
JL: I will say this, I absolutely love Busta Rhymes, I think he's very good. His rap on this is great, but this has not aged well – he shouts out his Twitter followers.
Do you know what? Because of the live drums, I was going to be a bit favourable to this version, but the inflection he uses on the second pa rum pa pum pum is so jarring and he does it so consistently that I'm gonna give this zero out of 10.
TS: Even with Busta? Where's your Christmas spirit?
JL: Alright, okay, I'll go four.
TS: That’s a big jump up
JL: That is a big jump, isn't it? But that's all for Busta and his Twitter followers. Wow, that was a journey.

TS: If you were gonna play a similar prank on someone, what song are you playing five versions of?
JL: As a form of torture? Maybe Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do, although that's not very Christmassy. Okay, [Paul McCartney's] Wonderful Christmastime. I also really like the version by Michael M (We Are the Physics; Slime City) where every line is 'The moon is right', that is really good. Yeah, that's what I'd choose, five different versions of that, including a Romeo Taylor version.

TS: What five Christmas songs do you wish I made you listen to?
JL: Okay, so Macca's Wonderful Christmastime, because it's just so good. Granddaddy's version of Winter Wonderland, called Alan Parsons in a Winter Wonderland. That Chris de Burgh song, A Spaceman Came Travelling – the sound of that is very nostalgic for me at Christmas. Is that four? Wonderful Christmastime, the other version of that [by Michael M], Granddaddy, Chris de Burgh and... Christmas Wrapping [by The Waitresses], that is awesome! ‘Bah, humbug…’

TS: Which leads us neatly onto Lost Map's annual Christmas party, aptly named HUMBUG! What's the plan this year?
JL: We've had a Christmas party ever since Lost Map started in 2013. It’s always been multiple stages and different acts playing. It's really great, but knackering. This year, I thought, I want to have a Christmas party that I can actually enjoy, and just have fun at. Just let's get everyone into the Leith Cricket Club and get the eggnog out. Actually, don't get the eggnog out, no one actually likes that.

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Lost Map's HUMBUG featuring Both Hands, Gulp, Seamus Fogarty and Free Love (DJs) takes place at Leith FAB Cricket Club, Edinburgh, 13 Dec
Pictish Trail's latest album, Life Slime, is out now via Fire Records and Lost Map Records
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