Ask Anahit: Sister Act

My sister hates me. I've spent my whole life trying to show her my love but she treats me so badly. I think it's resentment as I'm the youngest and we don't share a dad. It's taking a massive toll on my mental health to the point where I'm considering cutting myself off from our family. Help!

Oh pal. This is like, an actual problem. I’m flattered you have come to me, but also mildly concerned because a) you don’t know me and b) I could say anything (and frequently do). 

I’m going to do the responsible and I think radical thing here and not give you any advice, as this seems like a delicate situation and I would need to know more about both of you and your history to actually be helpful. But what I will do is tease apart some of the language you’ve used, in the hope that that might prompt some revelations in you, if that’s OK? Crazy that people train for years to be therapists when they could qualify with three years of a problem page and a lot of misplaced confidence but I suppose we each have our own journeys. 

I guess the thing that strikes me most about your question is the definitiveness of your narrative. She hates you, you’ve spent years trying to love her, she's resentful because you don't share a father etc. I’m not for a second suggesting that your read on the situation is wrong – you would know best! – but I suppose I am curious about the way you present emotions as facts, and also why you have kept trying for so long if you truly believe this to be the case.

Listen, I don’t know either of you so I’m not trying to define the situation. But what I will say is hate is different to resentment, and someone loving you does not preclude them from hurting you. That doesn’t mean you should put up with behaviour that is harmful, but more to be wary of the narratives you construct around other people’s actions, and the way you absorb that as a reflection of yourself in relation to other people. 

Ultimately the only thing you can do, which is the blanket advice I could give to every question here, is talk to them – both your sister and wider family. I wouldn’t cut yourself off without putting some of this out in the open and giving it a chance. But I would also try and disentangle the reality of the situation from the fear and hurt and anxiety you feel. Not because those aren’t important, but because they may not be the entire story. I hope it works out, friend, I really do.