Ask Anahit: On Record

How long do you have to know someone before you can send them a voice note?

I love this question because unlike the concerning emotional crises of the last few months, this is not a problem at all. I mean this as a good thing!!! This column was invented for petty nonsense and this question has understood the assignment in a beautiful and profound way. It does not matter what I say or what you do and ultimately, isn’t that the dream?

Because it literally Does Not Matter, I’ll just tell you my personal rules that are subjective and shifting and I have only really set in stone since you asked this. I think it really depends on what your relationship with the person is and what you want it to be. Are you trying to build a particular kind of intimacy? What is your capacity for vulnerability and embarrassment within this relationship? Essentially – let me cut to the chase – do you fancy this person or not?

If I fancy someone and am not sure they fancy me back and am actually concerned they maybe find my whole thing a little annoying, I will avoid sending them a voice note until I find out how they feel about voice notes and whether that will endear me to them or not. If I fancy someone and am reasonably sure there is a vibe, I will feel a lot more chill about sending them a voice note after say… a month? Probably? Of increasing friendship? I should say here and now I am a voice note girlie and I think they are a really beautiful way of combining the intimacy of phone calls with the immediacy and asynchronicity of texting. But not everyone feels that way and I suppose you have to respect that. But also I am in weekly therapy for my people-pleasing behaviours so like… you could also do whatever the fuck you want to do.

This question was originally sent in when our film editor, Jamie Dunn, was covering my agony aunt sabbatical a couple of months ago but, like a coward, Jamie elected to answer a question about Letterboxd reviews instead. So, for posterity’s sake, I also checked with him what he thinks. I quote: “I think you can send them fairly early on in a friendship, but sending too many voice notes is a sign of psychosis.” So there you have it, two for the price of one. You’re welcome!