Ask Anahit: Never Been Kissed

I’ve never been kissed. Not even able to achieve the my-pals-are-all-in-long-term-relationships-and-I’m-not stage of mid-20s singledom crisis, the dearth of ANY intimacy is rattling my lovergirl sense of self. I’ve read so many self-help platitudes for years about time working things out but I’m tired.

Oh, baby. This is a tricky question for me to answer wisely because I have been this person in various ways at various stages of my life and I did not handle it with wisdom, grace or, indeed, mental fortitude. What I am not going to do is tell you to take it at your own pace, because it sounds like you are very much not at the pace you want and that fucking sucks. I am also not going to be like, “kissing’s not all that, friends and family are all that matters in your 20s!!” because man it is and I want you to be able to do it! People who say physical intimacy is unimportant are usually the ones who have access to plenty of it and belong, if not in jail, in an extensive period of community service.

I really understand what you’re saying about the seismic effects this can have on your sense of self. It can erode both your mental and physical health: I would get to a point where existing within my skin became so unbearable that I constantly imagined zipping it off and stepping away. It’s exhausting and you have every right to be exhausted.

I don’t really have solutions as such, because I assume if it were as simple as sticking your tongue in someone’s mouth, you would have done it already. I guess I am struck by the phrasing of “never been kissed” – very Drew Barrymore of you, but it’s also a very passive construction. Do you think of it as something that has to come to you, that you wait for? Even if it doesn’t feel like it, you do have a tiny bit of agency in making it happen. Could you muck around with a friend? Lmao?? This is maybe starting to be quite actively chaotic and bad advice but I wonder if part of the healing process is dispensing with the waiting and fantasy and bringing it into your life in funny and tangential ways, until it properly takes root? I hope it happens for you soon, I really do xxx