Ask Anahit: Go the Distance
In this month's advice column, one reader is uncertain about how to tackle a long distance relationship
How do you deal with entering a long distance relationship while also secretly thinking you'll be really bad at it?
I was in a long distance relationship once and everyone told me it wouldn't work and I – with the kind of stupidity only a 22-year-old can stick fast to – was like, no my love is different you will see and then I spent two years listening to Transatlanticism and crying and then we broke up. That is not to say that long distance relationships cannot work but just that it is now my role to say they do not work and yours to be like, 'no you don't understand'.
So those formalities out of the way, I want to begin by querying your use of the word secretly. Why is it a secret? Who are you afraid of spooking: your partner, or yourself? Long distance relationships are really hard and the reason they are really hard is they lose all the good parts of a relationship (everyday intimacy, shared domesticity, sex) and keep all the difficult ones (having to be really, really good at communication). It’s not a good idea to go into something that can only work if you say exactly how you feel by not saying exactly how you feel. What exactly are you worried you will be bad at? Is there any way of dealing with it without bottling it up?
I don’t know if anyone is 'good' at long distance relationships, in the same way that I don’t think anyone is 'good' at relationships. I think some people have better skills that will help them, but saying you are inherently bad at a particular kind of relationship, like it’s long division, or badminton, is just an easy way out of confronting a lack of skills you will need in life, relationship or no. You could be single the rest of your days and still need to be able to say how you feel. The good news right now is you have someone who likes you enough, and who you like enough, to begin honing these skills in a safe environment. Talk to your partner and invest in a good Zoom plan. Good luck <33
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