Ask Anahit: Employee Relations

I think I fancy my co-worker… but I don’t know if it’s just out of proximity. Should I make a move to shake off the frustration? I can’t tell if they like me or not. 

It would be so hypocritical of me to tell you not to do this because all I do is enter into weird quasi-relationships with people in my close intimate circles I cannot extricate myself from, but – I don’t think you should do this! I think it’s a very very bad idea! This is extremely hard-won advice brought to you by what has now been a several years-long breakdown and I promise you, it is better to be clueless and emotionally undevastated than wise and with the nervous system of a small prey animal. Whatever you think you will get out of this is simply, and I cannot stress this enough, Not Worth It. 

I feel kind of weird about giving this advice because it’s a) so boring and b) very unlike my usual, every form of attachment and intimacy has its value and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise vibe. And to be honest, it would be one thing if you were like, I’m obsessed with this person, the vibes are off the charts, they make me feel insane, etc etc. It would still be, let me be clear, a terrible idea, but at least there would be some sort of pre-existing mental illness to justify it. But you… think you fancy your coworker? It might… just be the proximity? You just… want to shake off the frustration? Are you telling me you’re risking blowing up your entire life because… you’re bored?

If you’re genuinely, seriously interested in this person and you trust them enough to be able to have a conversation and set up safe systems for every eventuality, then fuck it, go for it. But in my experience, people are very keen to do this at the start when they’re high on the fumes of a new relationship, and very reluctant once everything is in pieces and it’s no longer sexy or fun. I don’t know, maybe your person is different! Who can say! Maybe you’ll be together forever! But it’s a big risk, and I think what you might get out of it needs to be at least as big as what you might lose.