Ask Anahit: Aftermaths

Slept with a good male friend a couple of weeks ago and haven't heard from him since. We didn't text too regularly anyways, but I know he's avoidant when it comes to love life complexities. WTF, as a romantic-hearted lady, do I do? I can only write so many bad poems...

WTF indeed. Firstly, allow me to congratulate you on an impeccable example of rhetorical diplomacy. “He's avoidant when it comes to love life complexities,” is, truly, a masterpiece of the genre. May I perhaps phrase it in a slightly different way? It won’t win prizes at the UN but: “He does not have the requisite emotional consideration to treat people with whom he’s been intimate with care.”

OK, I know this is going to come off as girlboss misandry of the worst kind and before anyone accuses me of that, let me say that actually having too much sympathy for men is my leading character flaw. If I were the titular ancient mariner, a white boy with no self-awareness would be flapping his big wings behind my ship, occasionally shitting on my head. So this is absolutely not a ‘fuck you who needs men’ kind of response, but it is a ‘maybe try and extend the same generosity and compassion you are extending towards him towards yourself too’ response. You also have needs. You also deserve understanding and care. Why is he sleeping with his friends if he can’t handle it, is my question. 

What do you do? Stop writing poetry for one, that has never helped anybody. I know I’m meant to give vague advice so you self-actualise yourself but what I would actually do is: talk to him. If it doesn’t help, stop trying to fix it but also make it clear (if this is what you want!) that you are open to friendship. Be warm and friendly to show you’re not in a huff but don’t put any active effort in until he does. Avoidant people sometimes forget their own agency, that their behaviour shifts relationships and signals a wall that they themselves don’t want. Until he figures that out, there’s not very much you can do except – if the friendship matters to you – hold space until he does. 

This is assuming the goal is friendship. If the goal is romance because you’ve caught feelings, I can only say, based on the information you’ve given me, that that is a terrible idea and you should stop it right now. Bonne chance!