Ask Anahit: Ex Files

Recently I had to see my ex at an event and even though it's been a good amount of time since we broke up and I was sure I was over them, seeing them (especially with their new partner) brought up a lot of emotions. I started to miss them and was really upset with myself as I had worked hard to push through the feelings from the start of the break up. How do I get over feeling like I've just fallen off the wagon and start finally being able to move on from my ex?

Firstly, allow me to present my commiserations on a real bummer of a situation. I can fully believe this is not how you wanted that moment to go. Every single one of us, however well-regulated we are, has that fantasy. You know the one. You casually run into your ex at a party and they are blown away, wow-ed, flabbergasted, at how very much you are over them. You're surrounded by a group of sexy people laughing at a joke you just made. Your ex approaches. You accidentally call them by the wrong name. One of the hot people sticks their tongue in your mouth. A shadow flickers over your ex's face. Confusion? Yearning? Lifelong regret? End scene. 

Of course it's soothing to be that delulu, but put the fantasy aside for a moment and hear me out. I have this theory that none of us are ever really over our exes, in that we never really get over loving the person they were and the person we were when we were with them. I mean, who gets over that kind of happiness? I wholeheartedly believe you are over the person who was in front of you that night, but you are not over the ghost that they remind you of. Maybe you never will be. Is that so bad? I don't think it's clinging onto the past so much as acknowledging that the past is the past – that there is a rupture between what they meant to you then and what they mean to you now, but what they meant to you then will always be a part of you.
 
I really understand this need to prove to yourself that you've moved on. But a person isn’t an addiction. You didn’t fall off the wagon. You haven’t gone back on progress. You’re exactly where you always were, both attached to and severed from the past. That’s OK, you know. Maybe instead of fighting that feeling or beating yourself up for it, try to let it in. What do you miss? Is it the person? Is it the feeling? Is there any way to build something similar back in your life? If not right now, how can you comfort yourself through its absence? The only time when feelings about an ex are bad are when they make us turn on ourselves. I promise you, really and truly, that this is nothing to do with them.