Trailer Trash #3 – Sherlock Holmes 2: Game Of Shadows

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Arthur Conan Doyle arrived in Portsmouth in 1882 with ten quid to his name and a literary idea in his mind. He sculpted the character of Sherlock Holmes from his former teacher Joseph Bell, explaining, "It is most certainly to you that I owe Sherlock Holmes... [R]ound the centre of deduction and inference and observation which I have heard you inculcate I have tried to build up a man." And thanks to messrs Ritchie and Downey Jnr that man no longer exists. But it's still the sleuth's big shiny name at the top of this big shiny adventure. Yay shininess.

I mean seriously, did you just see that trailer? I've watched it ten times and I still don't get it. For me it's 2 minutes and 33 seconds of incoherent visual masturbation that stop-starts like a Michael Bay driven locomotive of shit with us all aboard, heading further into the visceral abyss of sacrilege. Set-piece. Train. Slow mo. EXPLOSION. Downey Jnr in drag. Witty banter. EXPLOSION. A boat. Jude Law's tache. SLOW MO EXPLOSION. Red string. "Moriarty". ANOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSION. 

The introduction of Professor Moriarty bodes well but with Guy "Oh that worked last time so let's do that again, only bigger" Ritchie at the helm it's sure to go tits up. Quick, get Hans Zimmer in here, and the very best CGI gurus money can buy and let's paper over the seemingly unadulterated literary rape by sticking in – you guessed it – more MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS. The game is most definitely afoot. Where once it took a sledgehammer to get our attention it now takes 18 explosions in two and a half minutes. Yes, I counted.

Have Warner Bros. no shame? Taking a great literary icon and turning him into a modern-day action-adventure cash cow surely can't be right. What next? Ninja Tom Sawyer? Followed quickly by Ninja Tom Sawyer 2: This Time He's a Robot! Stop fucking with classic characters, Hollywood, and come up with some new ones to humiliate. That's elementary my de...EXPLOSION.