Trailer Trash #1: Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

I’m Sookie Stackhouse and I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, 'How long will it take ‘til someone takes their shirt off in this trailer?' 40 seconds. Marvellous fun. The build up to that point is an elaborate and over the top montage of various characters (including a depressed Earl Jehoshaphat Hickey lookalike and an angry anime drawing) receiving letters. Wow letters. I must admit I have never seen ANY of theTwilight movies, nor do I ever intend to, and judging by the amateur dramatics on display I feel completely vindicated in my choice.

But what are the letters for, I hear you cry? Apparently, they’re wedding invites. Ohhhh dramatic. Cue wedding montage while we too find out that we, as an audience, are also 'cordially invited.' I’d RSVP but due to the fact I didn’t get the letter (bastards) and also the fact I’ll be scraping my fragmented brains from the roof of my living room ceiling, I think I’ll cordially decline. On a side note, I’m genuinely surprised that teen girls can marry centuries-old vampires in the US but gay marriage is still taboo in many states. What kind of topsy turvy world is this exactly?

“No measure of time with you would be long enough. But we’ll start with forever,” says Edward, the series' bloodsucking pretty-boy. As a sentiment this makes no sense whatsoever. Surely, you’d start with... say... a week. Maybe two. See how things go before you commit to FOREVER! What if you don’t get on with the in-laws? What if she gains 50 lbs and fucks your brother? What then R-Patz – what then?

Anyway, the trailer ends with ominous pregnancy worries (breast feeding the bitey bun-in-the-oven would be tricky, I'd imagine) and some other stuff I didn’t notice cos I was curled up, foetal-like, shrieking hysterically and praying for it all to end. But this is only Part 1 so it looks like I’ve another circle of hell to get through before I gain my glorious freedom.