The Hollywood Juicer: January
Extracting the Pulp From Tinseltown's Fruit.
| 11 Jan 2007
Passion For The Brew
Mel Gibson has defended the historical accuracy of his latest incomprehensible epic, Apocalypto. The movie charts the downfall of the mighty Mayan civilization, following a bloody battle with the evil Children of Israel. The allegedly alcoholic Aussie is prickling from criticism that he plays with actual events to hammer home a political agenda, as he did with his previous directorial outings Bravescot and Jesus Christ Superstar. "It has to be true because all the words are in foreign," he told his best mates, beer and vodka.
Natural Born Filler
In his ongoing efforts to find survivors in the rubble of The American Dream, World Trade Centre director Oliver Stone has announced his latest biopic candidate. "I intend to chart the artistic and political struggles of the greatest living American: me", the conceited Oscar winner gurgled. "As the chronicler of the baby boom generation, I feel it's important to chronicle the chronicles of the chronicler of the baby boom generation." Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is set to star.
Spiderman, Shmiderman
A fierce bidding war has taken place between Paramount and Warner Brothers to buy up the last existing comic book property in the world. Written and drawn by 12 year-old Gary Spencer, The Amazing Space Wars of Billy Blackbeard has proven to be a massive success within the Spencer household. It follows the adventures of the eponymous hero, an astronaut/pirate/cowboy, and his trusty sidekick CyberRex, a time-travelling robot dinosaur. Nic Cage is pitching hard for the lead, as soon as he finishes his current slate of projects; Ghostrider, Green Lantern, Cubic Zircona Man and Desperate Dan.
To Catch a Thief
The estate of Alfred Hitchcock has taken out a restraining order against director Brian De Palma, forbidding him from going within 100 yards of the late auteur's grave. De Palma, without an original thought since 1983, was last seen attempting to disinter the bum-chinned thrillmeister, while screaming "I know you're holding out on me! Give me more ideas!"
Didn't You Used To Be On Telly?
Former sitcom stars are following the newly discovered Michael Richards Method, in a bid to recapture long lost celebrity status. Richards, who played special needs sidekick Kramer in Seinfeld, was caught on camera delivering a racist rant to a stunned audience at an LA comedy club. Since his non-PC tirade Richards has appeared on Letterman, Leno et al for the first time in many years, barely suppressing a smirk while delivering insincere apologies. Most recently Happy Days alumni Chachi and Ralph Malph were witnessed berating Chinese tourists in Beverly Hills.
Mel Gibson has defended the historical accuracy of his latest incomprehensible epic, Apocalypto. The movie charts the downfall of the mighty Mayan civilization, following a bloody battle with the evil Children of Israel. The allegedly alcoholic Aussie is prickling from criticism that he plays with actual events to hammer home a political agenda, as he did with his previous directorial outings Bravescot and Jesus Christ Superstar. "It has to be true because all the words are in foreign," he told his best mates, beer and vodka.
Natural Born Filler
In his ongoing efforts to find survivors in the rubble of The American Dream, World Trade Centre director Oliver Stone has announced his latest biopic candidate. "I intend to chart the artistic and political struggles of the greatest living American: me", the conceited Oscar winner gurgled. "As the chronicler of the baby boom generation, I feel it's important to chronicle the chronicles of the chronicler of the baby boom generation." Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is set to star.
Spiderman, Shmiderman
A fierce bidding war has taken place between Paramount and Warner Brothers to buy up the last existing comic book property in the world. Written and drawn by 12 year-old Gary Spencer, The Amazing Space Wars of Billy Blackbeard has proven to be a massive success within the Spencer household. It follows the adventures of the eponymous hero, an astronaut/pirate/cowboy, and his trusty sidekick CyberRex, a time-travelling robot dinosaur. Nic Cage is pitching hard for the lead, as soon as he finishes his current slate of projects; Ghostrider, Green Lantern, Cubic Zircona Man and Desperate Dan.
To Catch a Thief
The estate of Alfred Hitchcock has taken out a restraining order against director Brian De Palma, forbidding him from going within 100 yards of the late auteur's grave. De Palma, without an original thought since 1983, was last seen attempting to disinter the bum-chinned thrillmeister, while screaming "I know you're holding out on me! Give me more ideas!"
Didn't You Used To Be On Telly?
Former sitcom stars are following the newly discovered Michael Richards Method, in a bid to recapture long lost celebrity status. Richards, who played special needs sidekick Kramer in Seinfeld, was caught on camera delivering a racist rant to a stunned audience at an LA comedy club. Since his non-PC tirade Richards has appeared on Letterman, Leno et al for the first time in many years, barely suppressing a smirk while delivering insincere apologies. Most recently Happy Days alumni Chachi and Ralph Malph were witnessed berating Chinese tourists in Beverly Hills.