Comedy Fetishist

A lot of people think that I first got involved in comedy when I performed it. In fact, I was only an open spot for about 18 months – I was terrible. It's bloody hard, you know. In fact, I first started hanging around the comedy scene years before this ill-fated experiment, though. I was a groupie.

The thing is, I’ve always been very much of the 'laugh me into bed' school. Comedians are HOT. Really hot. My teenagedom was spent drooling over video and TV footage of Jack Dee, Dominic Holland (who I believe started my lifelong love affair with dark, curly hair) and Eddie Izzard and this was before I ever moved to the big city and got introduced to the heady, dizzying highs of live comedy.

In fact, it's not just the comedians themselves that get my pulse running; merely being around good, clever comedy gets me excited. On my second-ever visit to The Stand, I fell into the arms of an Aberdonian stranger at the next table as we soaked up the lust around us. We bonded together over our love of all things comic and went out for about three months, most of that spent at The Stand. Eventually, he spent one too many nights drinking beer and falling asleep in front of Definite Article, so I dumped him. To The Stand, however, I remain true.

There followed an embarrassing period spent dolled up, spending my dole money at the bar and soaking up the erotic atmosphere of stale beer, cigarettes (in those days) and live comedy. I never had any famous conquests, I’m sorry to report, but I’ve done the maths and worked out that 85% of all my sexual shenanigans have been with people who had performed or would perform stand-up comedy.

Of course, I’m happily married these days, to a magnificent lady who has brought down my average by stubbornly refusing to take the mic. I did meet her in Nicol Edwards, though, and I was only in there for the comedy. I just can’t get away from it: if it weren’t for stand-up, I’d still be a lonely virgin.

Top 5 hottest comedians you can catch in the MGICF

The Magners Glasgow International Comedy Festival this March and April is bringing a myriad of ripe comic specimens to town and frankly, I can’t wait. Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day and all, I’ve come up the top five sexiest comedians coming to the MGICF.

Before I get accused of objectification, by the way, I should clarify that these people are really fricking funny - that’s what makes them so hot.

Miles Jupp
One of my original, unattainable comedy crushes. That dark curly hair, that effortless humour.
See him in: Miles Jupp: Fibber in the Heat, The Stand, Glasgow, 20 March 7:30pm, £10(£8) 

Susan Morrison
Made me have to define the term ‘MILF’ to someone. Smart and sexy, could crush you with a single sentence.
See her in: Susan Morrison: Faffing Around, Brel, 25 March 8:30pm, £7(£6)

Imran Yusuf
Short-listed as best newcomer for the Edinburgh Comedy Award last Fringe. Had me swooning in Espionage. Sober. Not something that happens a lot.
See him in: An Audience with Imran Yusuf, The Stand, Glasgow, 4 April, 9:30pm, £10(£8)

Sarah Millican
Recently won the slavering admiration of P. Diddy and Vince Vaughan. Which makes her sexier than Jennifer Aniston. And much, much more intelligent.
See her in: Sarah Millican: Chatterbox, Old Fruitmarket, 5 April, 8pm, £15

Doug Stanhope
Angry American in the vein of Bill Hicks (and which of us, really, doesn’t want to go back in time for that rendezvous?). Just watch him rant, lie back and shiver.
See him in: Doug Stanhope, King’s Theatre, 22 March, 9:45pm, £19.50