Out and about with... Simon Brodkin

BREAKFAST

My ideal day at the festival wood b (this is like doin skool homework)… id kick off the day wiv breakfast at the birds house who i’d shizzled bareback the nite b4. After breakfast (3 eggs, 3 bacon, 2 slices of white, brown sauce, mug of tea, milk, 3 ½ sugars + 4 valium 2 take the edge off the pills from the nite b4 - I reckon id have quadruple dropped) id try + get 1 last round of action in the kitchen b4 swapping digits + departin.

DAYTIME ACTIVITIES

I’d head straight for the famous Pleasance courtyard + play snakes on my mobile 4 about 20 minutes, hopefully brake my record of 45,345. Grab a few half finished pints from the tables. If the valium still hasn’t kicked in id head 2 any one of the kid’s shows at the festival to get some guaranteed kip.

Feeling awake now, I’m gonna go 2 the South Bridge + drop a brick off it. Then im gonna run away. Then wait for 10 minutes for trouble 2 die down. All clear. Carry on walking (this is actually like playing Grand Theft Auto).

AFTERNOON

I’m a bit bored now. Now I’m gonna text last nights bird 2 c wether she’s up 4 hookin up l8r + find out if she has a sister. Finished texting. Well bored now, wish i was back in London. Steal a bike. Sell a stolen bike. With the money i make + can finally c wat ive wanted 2 c in Edinburgh - The Dark Night, Omni Vue cinema, 12:00 12:40 13:40 15:40 16:20 17:20 19:20 20:00 21:00 23:00. After that I reckon im gonna think wat a qwality film.

EVENING

Then I’m gonna make use of being at a festival + head to the drum n bass stage. Dance 4 a bit.
Then I’m gonna go to the only show I’ve been lookin forward 2 on at the festival: the Lady Boys of Bangkok, Meadows Theatre Big Tops, 19.00, 21.15. Apparently theyr birds but they got nobs - now thats a show. The end. Finished. Easy. Laterz.