Heckle Off: Maxwell vs Jeffries

“Get out you drunken bitch. You’re everything about America that should be flushed down the toilet. Go see Madonna you idiot piece of shit”. Bill Hicks didn’t take too kindly to hecklers. Indeed, any comedian worth their salt has had their fair share of run ins with over enthusiastic audience members. Still, whether a drunken chancer or a moral objector, the heckler is almost as much a part of comedy as the comic himself. Hecklers however are rarely funny. But what happens when you get two comedians heckling each other? Hoping for a higher calibre of insult Fest went in search of two suitably foul mouthed comics. Here we present Jim Jeffries and Andrew Maxwell tearing verbal chunks out of one another, two of the top comedians at the Fringe. One is a Aussie so unpleasant he was brutally attacked by on stage by a punter two years back, the other an Irishman famed for his withering put downs. Judge the results for yourselves.

 

Andrew Maxwell: Hello My name's Andrew Maxwell...

Jim Jeffries: And my name's Jim Jeffries.

AM: And now for the microphone we're going to take the piss out of each other.

JJ: I passed up sex to be doing this.

AM: I passed up watching you have sex to do this.

JJ: You want to start? All right I will. You're so ugly you look like you came out of my mother's womb.

AM: I should forewarn the readers that this is what Jim does. Just when you're trying to insult him he'll come and mock himself so potently that you'll end up with a wave of shame and sympathy for him. But I'm not going to let Jim's fucking upper hand tactics get in the way. His mother really is a filthy old whore. Now, back on track. Jim Jeffries is probably the only person in the room who hates his comedy more than the audience.

JJ: That's true. But your girlfriend/wife is so promiscuous…

AM: Oh no!

JJ: ... that a lot of your kids look like Johnny Vegas and some of them are black.

AM: I like the way you're questioning the legitimacy of my children. It's quite medieval and old school. But any woman who's ever been raped by Jim knows that's how he rolls. Anyway it's your fucking turn.

JJ: I just did the one about your kids being black.

AM: I just did the one about you being a rapist. We're working off pure spite right now. Jim Jeffries' show is so shit that even his flyerers won’t fuck him.

JJ: My show is so shit that Andrew Maxwell's mum is one of my flyerers

AM: Oh hello. Jim Jeffries is unbelievably one of Australia's intellectual elite.

JJ: Andrew Maxwell's comedy is so good that it's the biggest selling DVD in Ireland.

AM: Jim Jeffries' CDs are so unsuccessful and shit that not even Chinese people will bootleg them. Sorry Jim, sorry man. Nobody wants it man… Jim Jeffries is such a filthy fucking manwhore that he's given himself syphilis, twice.

JJ: That’s true, but, Andrew Maxwell has so many sexually transmitted diseases that I've fucked women he's fucked just to kill off my ones.

JJ: Andrew Maxwell's show is so bad that it got two stars in Three Weeks.

AM: Holy shit. Jim Jeffries’ show is so fucking up its own arse and pretentious that it got five stars in The Guardian.

JJ: Andrew Maxwell's show is so bad that it could almost be a play.

AM: Jim Jeffries is such a cunt that he does a lot for charity

JJ: That's true. There's a lot of remorse in my charity work.

AM: We probably went in to rape too early. I'm tired!

JJ: Andrew Maxwell is such a drunk he makes Karen Coran seem sober.

AM: I'm just bubbly, that's all. Jim Jeffries has such a fucking drink problem that he hangs around with me to feel sober.

AM: Now finally, some compliments, because that's how we rock. Jim Jeffries is such a sweet man that he has to literally upset fuckers left right and centre otherwise they’d love him too much.

JJ: Andrew Maxwell is such a nice man that he tells the truth about Jim Jeffries.

AM: Let it be for the record that Jim and I then hugged.