Food & Drink: Loretta Maine IS drunk

Am I only allowed one? Well then it has to be that pub opposite the jacket potato shop on the curving road down from the Mile. I don't know what it's called. It stocks booze and that's all the information I need.

No other performers go there, which is good because it means that people are impressed by the fact that I am from the States and over here. To the Scots, that means that you must be pretty big, not that you failed and had to come try in a different country. And there is a guy who sings songs in the corner – local songs like Crowded House and The Eagles.

And they have loads of different whiskies. The only bad thing is they won't let me drink JD because apparently it isn't a real whiskey and it is insulting to them for me to drink it there. I was like, "Why do you stock it then?" and they said, "To sniff out the eejits like you." I don't know what it means but it's nice to have a nickname. It's just a shame they are closed so much. Quite often when I pop by they are just closing, even if it's two or three in the afternoon. I guess it's just some quaint Scottish custom. Or English. They're all the same, right?