Calves Of Steel

The time has come again. My journey as a comedian brings me to Edinburgh, a place I love. As I walked to my house after arriving I took deep breaths of that wonderful air, the air that makes my lungs weep with joy, that I Tom Deacon am no longer in London! I was happy and excited. That was until I saw on the internet an English historian was re-stoking the fires that be the hatred between England and Scotland by saying… the English had invented Haggis (shock and anger fill my face as I write). Does this person have no sense? They have made me a target for more of the usual unrest between me and proper Scottish who hold grudges against my countrymen. I was disappointed, but I vowed to continue with calves of steel, which I am bound to get by walking everywhere this year at the festival.

 

There are 3 things about this years experience I’d like to share with you. Firstly, my accommodation is at the bottom of a gigantic hill known as DUNDAS. Every night before my show I trek this long hill, and once arriving at my destination I sweat like a pig. It’s the only thing that’s put a damper on my first solo show. What gives me some joy is the knowledge that, after a gruelling hour of comedy it’s all down hill for me. Boom boom! (boom boom is the clearest way I could show that was a joke)

 

Second experience this time round, was when I overheard a posh man referring to the glorious weather that we had at the start of the Fringe, by proclaiming to his amigo “dude, I’m as hot as a coconut!” How can you be as hot as a coconut? So beautifully strange and posh, I almost want to start coming up with my own stupid temperature grading. ‘how hot are you Tom?’ and I reply “I’m as parched as a guava!” Boom boom (couldn’t help myself)

 

Finally I stumbled into a fish and chip shop late one night and ordered some fine healthy food and when it was ready the woman behind the counter said, “do you want salt n sauce with that?” I assumed she just meant salt n vinegar, so I said yeah. What happened next shocked me, she sprinkled the salt and then poured out this brown liquor mess onto my food. I wasn’t aware in Scotland they mix brown sauce with the vinegar. I let out a shriek of despair, and then quickly gathered my thoughts, I didn’t want to look like an outsider so I said “oh dear, it looks like your vinegar has gone off!” boom boom. She looked up disappointedly and said “not another English funny boy”.