Wank Bank Masterclass @ Gilded Balloon
In his final article, the indefatigable Fred Fletch reviews a Fringe show entirely appropriate to his skill-set
Having owned and operated a dong since birth, I felt suitably, if not a little over-qualified to attend this show. How much I could learn from this? It's not as if my dick is some kind of Resident Evil puzzle that can only be solved with fingers, mouths, buttholes and an ancient medallion. Despite a head start of some 27 years, several Lynda Carter workout videos and a sock full of Dairy-Lea, 75 minutes locked in the Gilded Balloon with a bearded Australian couldn't hurt.
Instructor, artist and self-proclaimed dong manipulation-master 'Rural Ranga' (aka Adam Seymour) presents the workshop in the kind of friendly, enthusiastic style of educational shows like How 2, except here, instead of learning how they put lead in pencils or what goes on inside a Toby Jug factory, Seymour pulls back the curtain on boners, and leads your hand down the veiny path to penile enlightenment and/or screaming ejaculation.
Yes, this is a show about cocks, and the science behind yanking, stroking, edging, jobbing, massaging, slapping and chugging them in private or with a friend... and it's serious fucking business.
Like with all good objective studies, the pamphlets, charts and carrots are supplied. Audience participation is encouraged, but not obligatory. That's the real charm of a show about hand-jobs; there's a natural, if unnecessary taboo about something that's been cumming naturally to men ever since nature invented cocks and put them within tempting reach of our hands.
As if to prove this, the elderly couple in front of me at the Box Office spelled out the show's title, rather than saying it out loud. It's schoolyard humor that simultaneously tosses off the stigma of self-pleasure, but also gives depth and spiritual meaning to something too often approached as an unfussy fumble with your wand and Warlock's bag of magic.
Examining approaches, styles, positions and even lubricants, Seymour charismatically delivers far more than what could have quite easily been a cheap giggle at phallic vegetables and wanking. He's a natural instructor, with a love of dick that is openly and sensitively shared with strangers for money.
In terms of education, as a member of his masterclass, I came away with several new techniques that should prove interesting the next time my wife goes out and Lethal Weapon is on ITV. If you have a penis, or know someone who does, look at this like Pokémon Go. You leave knowing you can be the very best. To wank cocks is the real test and to to train them is your cause. Before you know it, you'll be evolving Digletts with spins to the balls.
My only complaint is that the masterclass primarily focuses on the dick, and that the rubic-like mysteries of the vagina are left for another day (or an instructor with a high score of 50,000,000 in Dig Dug). This is about the correct handling and mastery of the penis, which Seymour encourages we share to make the world a happier place...
With Trump's tiny hands inching ever closer to the nuclear launch buttons, I believe my newfound skills in hand-jobbery will soon have me running Bartertown in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. Hilarious, informative and throbbing with positivity, I give Wank Bank Masterclass 4 fully erect Digletts out of 5. Also, I recommend his Palm Sunday technique, and I look forward to his follow up show How to Wash 150mls of Semen out of the Living Room Curtains.
Wank Bank Masterclass, Gilded Balloon Teviot (Turret), 3-29 Aug (not 10, 17 & 24), 8pm, £6-12