The Dullest Blog: Springtime Blog

Every year since I can remember having a full compliment of canines, I have given up sweeties for Lent. This year I gave up Lent – the unintended consequence of my sacrifice is that now I have to eat sweets, even when I don't want to. Especially when I don't want to. But even though I'm permanently nauseous and my skin looks like the final days of the Exxon Valdez, I console myself with the irrefutable truth that I am doing God's work.

Summer might have Wimbledon and the World Cup, but Spring gets the thinking woman's crumpet - the Boat Race. Sports Day for the next breed of hedge fund managers. Spring also treats us to the innocence of children decorating hard-boiled eggs with glue and glitter and, just as glue reserves run dangerously low, they get a welcome boost from the Grand National – a cross between an Irish gypsy wedding and the Normandy Landings. 

The 21st of April sees yet another Queen's Birthday. After 83 years and 166 birthdays, the old warhorse shows no signs of handing over the reigns to Charles, the oldest Trainee in the business. Charles should do what any modern man would do – put his mother in a home and move his fancy woman into the family palace. If that doesn't work, he could always get a job in B&Q.

In nature Spring is the season of renewal; in life it is the season of renewed hope. As the evenings draw longer and the thermometer creeps north, I learned today that Spring is the season in which, statistically, I am least likely to take my own life. That encouraging statistic alone is reason enough for me to turn off the gas, open the windows and settle down to my penultimate Lion Bar of the day. 

 

See Jeff hosting an Irish Special for St Patrick's Day (17 March) at West Brewery

http://www.glasgowcomedyfestival.com/shows/listdetail.aspx?ID=349#