The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inspire the dullest moments of your week

Edinburgh is without doubt the world's greatest festival. But it is a marathon rather than a sprint. Last week, every other show at my venue had a night off, but I had to collect some props from my venue, which was locked. Borrowing the keys to Stand 2 from the office, I let myself into the venue only to hear an alarm ringing. Thinking it was a burglar alarm for which I didn't know the code, I tried phoning the venue office but couldn't get through. It was only after five minutes of frantic panic that I realised it was one of Seymour Mace's props!

This year's festival has been slightly hampered this year by the tram works and the cleansing workers' dispute. Festival traffic, roadworks and utter stupidity caused me to nearly miss MY show at The Stand at the weekend. Having done a guest spot on Dee Custance's tea-time show at The White Horse I was already running late. This was before I reversed my car into a parked van just as a police car was passing.

I was pulled over by the cops and breathalysed. Miraculously, I passed! However, all the paperwork took fifteen minutes, and I eventually made it onstage at The Stand ten minutes late, with a sellout audience wondering where the hell I was. Once onstage, I obviously explained what had happened

The next day, when I took my insurance documents to Gayfield Square police station, the officer on the desk not only recognised me but she said “I saw you at The Stand last night, really enjoyed the show.

Vladimir McTavish the Top 50 Greatest Scots of All Time Ever Part Two, 6:35pm until 30 August, Stand II