The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inspire the dullest moments of your week

It has been an interesting experience at this Fringe Festival for a debut antipodean performer like myself. I’ve been spellbound, swarmed and attacked. I’ve been brow beaten by an overly sensitive pedant, attacked by a swarm of bees and set upon by a cougar - all because of my show!

Let me explain. I’m here from Australia, performing at a festival with thousands upon thousands of other shows and no profile to speak of (other than being the person who eats the record amount of Angus beef burgers over a 26 day span). My criteria for audience members are people who are a) alive and b) will pay human money to see my show. If I’m to be totally honest with you I’m flexible on the first point.

On my first night I had a drunken woman harass me at the end of my show for being degrading to dyslexic people. In my show I ask if ‘ph’ is pronounced as ‘f’, why not just use ‘f’? She took umbrage. ‘Phuck off’ I think was my knee-jerk response.

Finally last night I had a son, daughter and mother combo in the audience who waited around to meet me after the show. Initially flattered, I asked if they enjoyed it. They did. However, the children then proceeded to introduce their mother ‘the cougar’ who asked where the performers stay because she had room at her place - all in front of her children!!

Such a strange, unusual and awkward place this festival is. Strange for what people take offence to, unusual for the costumes people wear and awkward for the goodbyes you have to say in front of the kids to the cougar in the morning.

Dave Thornton- Allow Me To Introduce Myself, Gilded Balloon Teviot- Billiard Room, 31st August until 31 August, 9pm