The Dullest Blog: Comedy ramblings to inspire the dullest moments of your week

"Today my dipshittery has reached an all time high. Most days I am quite comfortable with the fact that I don't drink but sometimes my behaviour would be far more explicable if I did.

It was 5am. Shennanigans had had the whistle blown on it and we decided to head home. Darkness is a beautiful delusion as underneath it the actual time can always be concealed. Unfortunately Dawn had decided to stick its head through the universal curtains.

Walking through the Meadows my friend stopped mid-sentence to highlight the seemingly incalculable amount of seagulls skulking around the park. It's true; there were hundreds. I felt like we had entered a scene from Hitchcock’s "The Birds." We started whispering, as if a conversation level disturbance would have them turn to us like a paddock full of ornothological zombies and start shuffling towards us, squawking "BRAINS!"

An Edinburgh seagull is the size of a toddler and although I couldn't spot it at the twilight hour of 5am I remembered the blood spot they carry on their beaks just to remind us not to mess with them.

"They are looking pretty smug," I thought. "With their massive heads, and their intimidating glares. That's it!" I declared. "I’m not going to take it anymore!" And there, I proceeded to chase after them William Wallace Braveheart style through the park. I yelled! I ran! I...I...I looked like an idiot. But fortunately only my two friends were there to see it, right?

What I hadn't banked on was the fact that my gaping pockets were housing my phone, and that it had jumped for its life during the charge, and that I wouldn't be able to retrieve or find it the next day, and that I would have to explain to people how that happened. And that I would have to re-iterate "No I was sober."

Felicity Ward can be seen in Ugly as a Child, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 9:15pm until 31 August