The Amazing Bastards' Amazing Column

The Amazing Bastards are Steven Dick, Allan Miller, and Teddy. They have been described as "horribly funny" by the Daily Record, and as "crime fighting supermodels" by Allan.

If the ABs were The Defenders of the Earth then Steven would be Mandrake. Just because he's a magician. Quite a lazy analogy, but then that's what we're all about. Steven's powers include being jammy and doing the dishes.

Allan is the kung-fu fighter of the group. Not so much because he possesses any skills in this area, more because he has some of the headbands. Allan's special powers include worrying and having retro facial hair.

Teddy sounds cuddly, which is handy because he's fat. Sometimes. Depending on whether he's on a month long health kick, or on the 11 month binge. Teddy's special powers include encyclopaedic football knowledge and causing offence.

Now, let our first article begin…

Greetings – this is Teddy the Amazing Bastard, giving you the lowdown on how us Bastards spent our New Year. I've decided for the 'image' I should try to write with an American influence. We're not American, readers. We're Scottish. But somehow if you're an American comedian you can spend your life drunk in a lapdancing bar and it sounds cool. If we did it, it would just sound sleazy. So just for this New Year, because we adhere to no narrative boundaries – we're American comedians. Next month we won't be. Deal with it.

Me and the guys was (I know it should be 'were' but get into the image!) hanging out in a little bar down a little alley off a sidestreet that was halfway to hell. We'd been drinking fingers (what is a finger anyway?) of neat bourbon. The dames was queuing up for autographs and cumshots but we was having none of it. Eventually the clock struck twelve. We stood up. Steven pulled a rabbit out of his ass and handed it to a delighted young lady. I sobbed gently for all the guys I killed in 'Nam (what an activity holiday that was), and Miller threw his glass of bourbon into the fire and announced that the next punk through the door was going direct to kingdom come courtesy of Killer Miller Airways.

45 minutes later and the door finally opened. We all took a sharp intake of breath. A little old lady collecting for the Salvation Army swaggered in rattling her coin jar. Miller didn't have to think twice: BOOM! Still, as we told her family, if you wear that uniform – you have to expect that someday you're gonna be buried in it.


I hope you all had as good a New Year as we did. See all you Bastards at the next show.