Stars - July 2007

You're weird..

Feature by Tristan Trinity | 10 Jul 2007

Cancer
As the moon rises over you on 27th, you will feel strange. Your multinational corporation will be in a state of flux and even your most trusted directors will seem scheming and secretive. This is because they are plotting, but who has the power? The public. Lay it to vote with a group of randoms and drunks, only then will you find the true meaning of this statement.

Leo
After careful consideration, you have come to no conclusion. The answer sure as hell doesn't lie in the stars column. C'mon, get real, you need to go and get professional help. One thing that may help: this month your lucky animal is the skunk.

Virgo
You are headstrong and playful this month but keep an eye on your energy levels. The sun enters your sign on Thursday, don't burn out before the climax. You will see the world in a different light before the month is out - as a symbol of the festive summer that has been, but you may want to clean your flat... Lucky colours: CMYK.

Libra
No matter how much we wish we could tell you otherwise, your ex will not die in a freak napalm accident this month either. Maybe it's time to face your ghosts and take care of matters yourself. Or call +1 456 9 CLEANERS. Lucky colour: yucky banana-brown

Scorpio
We all know you're into S&M. It's so boring, try going straight for a while to torture them psychologically. Here are a few hints:
1. Sloppy foreplay (to make this more realistic, act drunk)
2. Invite your loved one round for a romantic dinner (with your band members too)
3. Sporadically use the phrase "yeah, me and my ex used to…"

Sagittarius
That thing you thought no-one knew about has found its way to the outside world and by mid July you'll find that Big Brother is your new best (and only) friend. Metro's classified pages can give you temporary satisfaction, but watch out for obese 57 year-old transgendered folk. They only want you for your Star Wars action figures.

Capricorn
You're weird..

Aquarius
Your work seems extremely difficult this month. Not only will you have a fight with one of your closest workmates, you'll also shag your boss. There is only one thing you can do now: become a parking attendant and everyone will hate you. No friends = no trouble.

Pisces
Bridges are there to be crossed, but if you burn them you can never get back. Or at least not as easily. Follow the path alongside the river, and remember, it's the journey and not the path. Hopefully you know a good tune to whistle. Lucky numbers: 06 29 31 33 36 41. Bonus ball 09.

Aries
Electricity will mean a great deal to you this month, and so will communal Scandinavian showers. Two wrongs don't make a right, so make sure you don't combine these in a flash of seared Scandinavian nudity. Be wary of moustaches and keep an eye out for golden opportunities in the music industry.

Taurus
New planet SP35AA-Nova is in your zodiac this month, making you look smooth and tasty. This might result in strangers trying to bite you. Trick them by not showering: that'll teach the stupid fools! Also make sure you don't drink too much after midnight unless you have the next day off. Lucky number: 6.

Gemini
Not all adventures are good, and far from all of them end without newly encountered VDs. You may want to try those rubbery things called 'condoms'. They can protect you from some nasty stuff. But unfortunately they can't delete your phone number from sleazy bartenders' mobile phones.