Dream Gig: Alex Franklin

Believe it or not, my best-ever gig was actually my very first. I feel like at all my favourite gigs I had something to prove, and this was when the stars first aligned to let me do so. My first gig (if you can even call it that) was an end-of-week show at a Christian Union camp I went to as a teenager, where each year group was expected to write and perform some sketches. I remember being somewhat underwhelmed by what my peers had come up with, and, despite being quite a shy kid, went out on a limb to write my own; and they CRUSHED. The laughter felt like it was being injected straight into my veins. I remember at the time thinking "this must be how God feels," and I prayed that night and he agreed.

Also any gig where I get to be villainous is a favourite gig. Despite my adorable appearance and demeanour, I am actually a mischievous and cunning villain. For example, the first Hot Rubber (a night where comedians race Scalextric cars, run by Hudson Hughes) was perfect; I got up to all sorts of mischief. Forged alliances. Betrayed those alliances. Made my car way too dangerous (they had to make new rules just to stop me from strapping a firework to mine). Got a friend to buy a specifically designed CO2 booster device. Flew a drone into the host. Psyched out my opposition. And I guess I did some comedy as well.

I’d want a similar level of drama/villainy at my dream gig. I’d want something straight out of a telenovela.

It starts out normal. Darkened room, slightly raised stage, laughter and merriment. Then, a puff of smoke! The magician Dynamo materialises out of thin air, and starts doing crowd work. He invites the first act to the stage – it's Sarah Millican; she’s doing a tight five of her best stuff. Dynamo is to the side, vigorously timing her to make sure she doesn’t overrun – until! Sarah reveals a photo during her second punchline; a sonogram! She’s pregnant, and with Dynamo’s baby! The audience gasps!

And they gasp again when they see the second act; it’s that same baby! But now they’re an adult, and have time travelled from the future (never explained how) to stop Sarah making the biggest mistake of her life; marrying the wrong man! "Which man?" Sarah asks. "All men," replies her future child. They wheel in a TV (one of the old boxy ones with an aerial) and press play, but only after fumbling around with the buttons and cables for three to four minutes. On the screen it’s Sarah, but now old and in a hospital bed, dressed like a character from the Mad Max universe. "What have you come to ask me?" says first-on-the-lineup Sarah. Silence. A deep breath… future Sarah whispers to current Sarah "Will you marry me?" Then a thud; future Sarah flatlines. Those were her last words.

But we don’t have long to mourn, as the third act is welcomed to the stage; an assassin, dressed identically to Ezio from Assassin's Creed so we can instantly tell their profession. They use their retractable blades to instantly dispatch Sarah’s child from the future, who vanishes in a puff of smoke. "Were they even real to begin with?" I wonder (I didn’t mention it but I’ve been there the whole time doing the light and sound).

I look to where I think the audience is. Darkness. I take out my phone torch and shine it. All I can see are the walls of a… cave? A broken gas pipe? It all comes flooding back; the hike, the lost map, the thunder, the rain, the cave, the rope breaking, the fall. None of it was real – we were trapped in a cavern, hallucinating on odourless methane gas. Just me and Sarah… or is she…? She’s nowhere to be found. I don’t even think I’m a comedian. I’m a forest ranger. Or was one? I spiral. All hope seems lost.

Until… is that scratching? Voices? The sound of a pickaxe. A crack opens. Rescuers approach! They drag me free!

I see light! I smell fresh air! I hear… applause?... Is that Dynamo?

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Alex Franklin: Gurl Code, Underbelly Cowgate (Delhi Belly), 1-25 Aug (not 12), 8.25pm, £7-£11
@AWildFranklin on Twitter and TikTok / @alex_franklin_hallo on Insta