Crystal Baws: October Horoscopes

ARIES

There will be significance in the pattern appearing as Chris Moyles’ splayed guts hit the floor steaming after your machete attack, perhaps leading to a lottery win.

TAURUS

Balloons are lucky for some reason.

GEMINI

You are still wondering how your dog died last night aren’t you? Don’t let it upset you too much. Take another bath tonight and relax.

CANCER

There is a new energy about you this month, like every month, until you begin to eat less, shrivel up and die.

LEO

The RPG you purchased on eBay proves its worth as you dead-eye that million dollar shot through the windshield of James Corden’s St. George’s flag sprayed Ford Focus. Don’t be disappointed if you kill him instantly, a senior minotaur awaits him on Acheron’s bank, equipped with a diamond-studded arse paddle and a pure sulphur strap-on.

VIRGO

Your love planet Pluto will explode in October meaning you'll be hung like a radioactive stallion, forever.

LIBRA

Silk is extra silky this month.

SCORPIO

Flirtation with a friend at work could blossom into romance. Play your cards right and you'll both be Leatherfacing your way through ITV security with chainsaws towards Piers Morgan like two rabid love-bats of death.

SAGITTARIUS

If you fall asleep you may dream about corn or wheat products being pummelled very fast by large machines.

CAPRICORN

Ask yourself this question: Does Saturn really give a flying shit about your meaningless existence?

AQUARIUS

October will be an important month for you as a terrifying ball of rock, hitherto unseen by our telescopes, comes hurtling through the zenith towards your house.

PISCES

Those wild boar sure do look hungry! Screeching for any leg, arm, or face meat that gets even near the paddock. Did you lower the last of the blood-soaked mannequins in last week? And you fasted them since then? Except for the crystal meth? Well remember, lower her in slowly. The boar are gonna be going at SJP’s legs super hi-octane, so follow their example, be a pro.