Crystal Baws: November Horoscopes

ARIES

Arians are known for their particularly large gas bills, but in times of recession they are also good at thinking miserly. As the builders put in your new basement there are a few questions still on your mind: are the cast iron wall chains, creche and self-draining hosing paddock included in the cost? Make sure you check before signing anything.

TAURUS

You're sweating! You look like a shit pterodactyl! You're a lonely worm, a meaty sack of worry, a poor sorry mollusc of a human. And what's worse, due to the cross alignment of Mars and Jupiter, loudly repeating, ‘MAYBE WE SHOULD BUM WITH WIGS ON!?’ all the way through your Jobseeker Plus interview will fail to get your giro restarted.

GEMINI

The letters A and K are important, as is the number 47. Slap the magazine in. Don't hesitate! Immediately start pumping slo-mo leaden gut-busters through the air towards Kerry Katona’s thrashing blood-bomb of a torso.

CANCER

You have, without doubt, the largest hair in The Solar System.

LEO

I think I see happiness on the horizon for a certain Leo this month, just as I know I’ll be happy the month when I see a bus wheel reverse over Jo Whiley’s Predator mask of a face.

VIRGO

Your partner may have left, taxing you of your heart, soul, mind, money, confidence and what was left of your common sense, but to take your star chart they’ll have to prise it from your cold dead fingers.

LIBRA

From time to time you find yourself wondering what things would be like if you hadn't stabbed out both your eyes in a fit of childhood rage.

SCORPIO

Don’t worry, everything’s supposed to look like it’s made out of cartoons.

SAGITTARIUS

As Mars clashes with the moon, illimitable mountains of thankless woe lie ahead, and like Sisyphus previously you will have to traverse them. Your psyche is nothing but a little chick in a doorway, shivering in a thunderstorm.

CAPRICORN

Venus mentors your relationship chart and yet you are still single. But does it surprise you considering you have Big Trouble in Little Vagina and Massive Purple Riding Hood sitting openly on your DVD shelf?

AQUARIUS

As you dance like a panicked beetle, as you undress her with your eyes, a hollow bubble of hope inflates furiously inside you, a hope that one day you’ll make yourself so rich you’ll be able to just buy all her clothes off her right there on the dance floor. Trust me, that’s never, ever, ever going to happen.

PISCES

You will spend your weekend sitting menacingly just below water level in the shallow end.