Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes

ARIES

Oh hai Arians! Whilst watching The Room on DVD you start the new year by forming a spiritually unbreakable bond of empathy with Tommy Wiseau. Thereafter you finally “understand lyfe”. In Tommy's case life began when he was ripped out of the womb as a foetus, stamped on with a golf shoe then stuffed back up his mother and left to finish growing.

TAURUS

Uranus has been bleeding since a NASA probe visited it in 2010, and it enters your sign this month. You have my sympathies.

GEMINI

Writhing in a Sleep of Kali comedown, your eyes like rotten crab apples, you promise yourself you'll never, ever let yourself feel this bad again, ever. Exactly like you did at the start of last year. You rat-louse!

CANCER

You have an enviously luscious loaf of hair. High five!

LEO

How're you that orange? It's freezing out there yet you look like Dale Winton marinated in Ronseal! Your resolution should be to NOT hang out of a party limo on Sauchiehall Street with your pink cowboy-hatted, arse-cleavaged pals this year. Also, don't smear your roadkill labia against the glass at pedestrians again, don't projectile vomit blue WKD, and don't stagger all night on your high-heeled hooves cackling at nothing. I mean, for the love of God!

VIRGO

Ha ha, you big lunatic! What, whenever you look up into the sky you see crabs, bulls, lions and virgins?

LIBRA

Venus entering your sign this month gives you extra energy and makes you scream “HADOUKEN” every time you orgasm. After the flash you'll find yourself wet-humping a collection of mangled, steaming organs and charred bone.

SCORPIO

I sense your disappointment. We were promised the video call watch way back in the 50s and all you have that's close to a robot is an Eastern European man named Pavel who doesn't have an English language setting, sneers at every command you give him and runs solely on “feesh butter”, or as you more commonly know it, tuna mayonnaise.

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarians, stubborn as they are, never listen to me when I say the end of the world is nigh! Well, you’re all going to feel so stupid when the apocalypse comes and we’re sat around a camp fire eating babies together.

CAPRICORN

Yeah, I don't like Simon Cowell either, but murdering him won't solve the problem. He's like Hitler. Kill him and someone even worse will just step in to fill his shoes. An example needs to be made. Try shoving a triumphant fistful of wasps up him, then sew him up. That always works.

AQUARIUS

You make masturbation a science this month, coming so many times and so powerfully the seminal fluid turns to resin and your bedroom ends up looking like a xenomorph's lair. Who says romance is dead?

PISCES

You ponder what the final end product of any higher intelligence race would likely be, surmising the eventual goal of any species in the universe would be to achieve the status of a deity, as we define one. Sadly, you conclude, the human deity will most probably be a blind idiot god with an app for tearing holes in reality whilst it LOLs for aeons in pea-brained amusement.