Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes

ARIES

Yeah, it’s Christmas, but a miracle? Meant to be? Are you serious? What, you think God flies over all the war and famine in the world to come and bless the union of two slobbering simpletons who can’t keep their junk in their Adidas joggers 5 minutes? Get real!

TAURUS

Can I nail love to you? I will march on a road of balls and bones to get you as mine! My desire for you is orchestral. You’re the nicest total bastard I’ve ever met.

GEMINI

As Mars begins its yearly constipated orbit the collective memetic digestive tract is so full of shit the arsehole and mouth pipe have connected in an unprecedented psychic ouroboros. So, bon appetit! Shove the whole of that snivelling, tooth-filled face up your arse and scream until your soul bursts.

CANCER

Don’t lie to yourself, you never even had marbles to begin with. Just sit tight and wait for the white van with the square wheels to turn up.

LEO

My eyes don’t have the stomachs to keep looking at you. You look like you reek of boiling excrement. You’re a shit, rubber-faced sports monster. Your mouth pollutes my ears. You’re a real thoroughbred, pedigree moron!

VIRGO

Over the holidays you’ll know you’ve been drinking too much when every shit you have is like someone vomiting through a mask. May you find this horoscope utterly absorbent.

LIBRA

You’re a phoenix from the flames, but one that’s soaked in Lynx Africa and bursts into flames in the air immediately post-take-off.

SCORPIO

That syphilis-ridden whore Venus is playing her dirty tricks with you again, waving her cosmic cervix around like it’s the best thing since maths. Remember, an erection does not equal consent.

SAGITTARIUS

I drew a picture of the inside of your brain whilst you were asleep. That jacuzzi is your subconscious. Around your toned self-image sits your ego 36-24-36, your id 32-21-33, and your superego 33-23-34. Check out the jugs on your id. Phwoahh!

CAPRICORN

Enough guilt has come out of your guilt hole this month. Have a lie down.

AQUARIUS

What do you want me to say? You live in Cumbernauld for Christ’s sake! Take your life back and ask for a refund. You’d get a longer run-out in Liberia.

PISCES

Your ex can escape from you physically but mentally you have power still as you possess the covert force of masturbation over them. Close your eyes and remember: you can always yank them back whenever you choose with your keen hand.