Dream Gig: Paul Black

I had the time of my life at The Stand in Newcastle. It was my first time on tour, and I was quite nervous about playing to an audience outside Scotland. That day, Newcastle had beaten Spurs like 6-1 or something, so the town was buzzing. I was standing outside the venue when a drunk, EDL Final Boss-looking guy approached me and aggressively asked what team I support. It was one of those conversations where it could go either way, and I knew there was definitely a wrong answer. But when he heard my Scottish accent, he hugged me and told me he loved me in the strongest Geordie accent I’ve ever heard. He promised he would bring "20 pals" to my show later. That encounter set the tone for the whole gig. It was rowdy but not to the point anyone was being disruptive or annoying. Newcastle and Glasgow have really similar patter so it felt like being at home.

Newcastle Stand is the perfect-sized venue. The crowd was great – the ideal mix of energy and size. It was one of those shows where everything just clicked; I delivered it exactly as I’d planned and didn’t forget any bits. The only downside was a guy in the front row who replied to every single sentence I said, as if we were having a one-on-one conversation. I don’t think he realised I was talking to the whole room. It got to the point where I had to just ignore him because otherwise, I’d be so distracted I’d never finish the show. 

After that, the best gig I can dream up would have to be somewhere abroad because, of course, I want a holiday out of it. I’d go for something big and outdoors, somewhere with extreme natural beauty or historical significance – but still close enough to a supermarket. I need to browse a foreign crisp aisle as soon as I land in a new country, to feel at ease.

I’d host this gig in the amphitheatre of the Pompeii ruins. I went there once and thought it could really use a SPAR or a Keystore nearby. The tour guide showed us photos of The Rolling Stones playing a gig there years ago, so I think it’s time for me to perform and bring in a new crowd – they’ve had their time.

Since there aren’t many seating options, I’d install rows of Odeon-style recliner seats – white leather as far as the eye can see, complete with cupholders, tables, and ashtrays. It’s important that everyone can vape and smoke freely without leaving their seats, which is why the open-air venue and the nearby SPAR (which I’d have built inside the venue) are perfect. Plus, it’s BYOB because the bar queues would be a nightmare. Tickets are only a tenner and include a Lost Mary on arrival.

I’d have Pete Burns compère. I can’t think of anyone better at crowd work than Pete Burns. For the lineup, I’d have Countess Luann de Lesseps doing some stand-up, and she can throw in her cabaret act if she wants. Maybe she could co-host with Pete – I think they’d have some Claudia Winkleman and Tess Daly-style chemistry. That should take up enough time before my headline slot.

Given the Italian heat and the length of my set, we’d need regular breaks. To make the most of the ruins, we could fly in Britney, Beyoncé, and P!nk to recreate that iconic Pepsi advert. I could play the part of Enrique Iglesias because we have similar builds and bone structure. I know I might have blown the budget on the Odeon seats, so if we can’t get the girls, we could have a live-action gladiator duel between hecklers and comedians. If the heckler wins, they get a slot in the second half of the show.

For the post-gig celebrations, we’d take a cruise around the Amalfi coast, with Luann bringing out the entire cast of The Real Housewives of New York Season 7 to perform a remix of Everything Is Romantic.

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Paul Black’s All Sorts, SEC Armadillo, Glasgow, 22 Nov, 6.30pm, from £28.95
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