Clubbing Highlights – December 2012

December 21, 2012 raises something of an issue for a magazine that deals in event listings – will the world end, as predicted by the Mayans, or will we all roll through the prophesied apocalypse and out the other end, into a festive season of Baileys-themed hedonism and turkey-based excess? One thing is certain – if the world does end, the second half of this column is going to seem pretty redundant. Regardless, we soldier forward, to take a look at December's clubbing highlights.

Although many clubs are on a festive break, a great many more have special events planned for the Christmas and New Year period, kicking off with The Unseen Masquerade on 7 Dec. Techno revivalists Unseen are throwing a masked ball at Studio 24, with residents Neil Templar and Patrick Walker joined by Substance resident Gavin Richardson (£7 / £5 in a mask). If techno is proving a trifle simplistic for you, why not get yourself down to Henry's Cellar bar for Shake Yer Shoulders, where the 4-4 pulse will be replaced by Amen breaks and cries of “Junglist!” as they throw a party they are calling Invasion of the Jungle Soldiers (£5). Over in Glasgow, Optimo celebrate their 15th birthday with an epic bash at Sub Club (£8 / £10 after 12), while Bigfoot celebrate their 4th birthday with a guest spot from turntablist Christian Burkhardt at SWG3 (£10). Meanwhile the final Death Disco takes place at The Arches, with guest Jacques Lu Cont (Les Rhythmes Digitales) showing them out in fine electro style (£10 adv.).

Back in Edinburgh on 8 Dec, rubber fetishists and dungeon-dwellers will be pleased to hear of the return of Torture Garden to The Caves (£18). It's a night that's as much about seeing and being seen as it is about music, so be sure to dig out your best PVC and don't forget your cock-ring. Those of a less cyber-goth bent would do well to check out graffiti-wranglers the Too Much Fun Club, who take over Studio 24 for a night of live art games and hip-hop beats (£TBC). Over in Glasgow on 8 Dec, it's that time again – Wrong Island return to Sleazy's for another night of genre-spanning good times with residents Teamy and Larry (£3). Check out our DJ chart from Teamy in this month's Clubbing section!

Staying in the West, a brief mention for new student night Crayola, whose stock-in-trade is techhno and acid, but who open their doors early on 12 Dec for some live sets from hip-hop heroes Hector Bizerk and The Girobabies at The Flying Duck. And it's only a quid, so you've nae excuse for missing it!

Back in Edinburgh on 14 Dec, the Edinburgh School of Art hosts its annual Xmas Party, with spots from local DJs NoFace and Zzzap, and muckty-big video projections and art murals. Get your multimedia on at ECA (£10/12). There's also a chance for those of the techno-loving persuasion who have been faithfully attending Unseen for the last few months to check out the competition, as Edinburgh Tekno Cartel (ETC) throw a 'speedos and suntans' party at the Wee Red Bar (£7 / £5 in fancy dress). There are two hot tickets in Glasgow on Sat 15 – a DJ set from The Twilight Sad at their official afterparty, taking place at The Flying Duck (£5 / £3 with ticket from the gig). The Arches meanwhile has French electro-pop maestro Madeon, who concludes his UK tour with a special 5am-licensed gig (£15).

And so, inevitably, we come to the End of the World – on 21 Dec, you can choose where to spend your (potentially) final moments from a range of themed events, including Qabalala! whose Xmas party at the Leith Cricket Club features live music from The Tide Inside, White Lightnin' and OPUL, plus DJ sets from Ray Gun and Tall Paul (£3). Over at the newly-refurbed and named Base, on the Cowgate, anarcho-noise troublemakers Terror host a bash with hardcore and tough-edged d&b from Al Twisted, Autonome, the aptly-named Noizy as Fuck and DMC champion Richie Rufftone (£3). Over in the West, you can choose from Sensu at the Sub Club, who welcome a special (and secret) guest (£TBC), the bass madness that is Bad News, returning to Chambre 69 with guest spots from Boddika and Randomer (£8/10), and the Electric Frog Xmas Party, which has the jaw-dropping techno lineup of Jeff Mills, Hans Bouffmhyre, Lindsay Green, and fresh-faced Glasgow up-and-comers Slam (we're kidding of course, y'all know about Slam... tickets are £15). 

Staying with Slam, or at least with their label, you can go and dance off your hangover at the Soma Boxing Day bash on 26 Dec – get yourself down to Chambre 69 for sets from local lads Vince Watson and Funk D'Void (£12). For more post-Xmas shenanigans, check out Bristol's Eats Everything as he reinvents house music for C21 at the Sub Club on 28 Dec (£TBC), or enjoy the Detroit techno goodies on offer as Derrick Carter visits Subculture on 29 Dec (£TBC), joining residents Harri & Domenic at the Sub Club. Alternatively, check out some local techno talent at Orderly Disorder – they're throwing a 4th birthday at Audio (£5/6.50). Edinburgh offers the Jackhammer 11th birthday celebrations on 29 Dec (at the Liquid Room), with Jeff Mills popping through to join Ben Sims and the ever-ubiquitous Slam (do they ever sleep? Tickets £15).

There are, naturally, a whole host of Hogmanay bashes taking place on 31 Dec – we've produced a full guide to the festivities, which you can find near the front of the magazine! Happy holidays everyone – stay safe, party hard, and if the world doesn't end, we'll see you back here in January. Brrrrrrap!