Valentine's Day: Scottish Food & Drink guide

Ah Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, or at least that’s what it says here. Chances are you’ll be accosted, invited or otherwise guilt-tripped into doing something ‘fun’ this 14 February, and when that happens you’ll need someone to advise. With that in mind, here are some Valentine’s Day food and drink selections – simply select the cultural trope you most closely define with like the sheeple you are, and baa-b’s your uncle.

For vegetarians
With our newfound respect for the herbivorous, we'll kick things off with some suggestions for the veggies. In Glasgow, you're well-served by Stereo, The Hug and Pint and Mono, a trio of vegetarian/ vegan joints with great food and some serious cool points in the bank from their live music programmes. Meet someone in any of the three and interrogate them about their music tastes while jabbing a fork in their direction – that'll provoke a conversation if nothing else.

Over in Edinburgh, the strip of Indian restaurants along Clerk Street are well adept at catering to vegetarians, from the veggie buffet at Kalpna to the great curries and enormous dosas of Tanjore, via the explosion-in-a-haberdashery that is 10 to 10 in Delhi. What breaks the ice better than extremely filling and spicy food? Answers on a postcard, please.

For lovers of meat
If you ask us, if you're actually out on Valentine's Day you may as well throw caution to the wind and share an enormous pile of high-quality red meat. Chop House in Edinburgh offer a half-kilo Chateaubriand with half a lobster on the side, while in Glasgow Porter & Rye in Finnieston serve up a 28 ounce Porterhouse for two, The Butchershop at Kelvingrove specialise in the bone-in Tomahawk steak, and The Spanish Butcher in the Merchant City take the gold with their Valentine's Day menu. A charcuterie board to start, a 600g sharing steak with sides, then three desserts between two to finish. Thumbs up all round.

For those who like to hide
Avoid prying eyes and potential run-ins by heading underground, into deep cover – it worked for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and it can work for you. Under the Stairs in Edinburgh's Old Town is a gem of a bar with charming decor and a rock-solid drinks list, Panda and Sons serves up great cocktails hidden behind the façade of being a regular ol' barber shop (a barber that's open til 1am and has a doorman), and Bryant and Mack off Rose Street is so well-hidden you may legitimately walk past it a couple of times before heading in. The cocktails are ace, so we recommend you persevere. 

For confident couples
Also known as ‘the people with no-one to impress’; the ones without fear of disgracing themselves at dinner, because their partner will either find it endearing or simply note it as the latest grievance on an ever-growing list never to be addressed.

What these folk need is ramen – slobbering big bits of noodle and pork all over the place without fear of reprisal is a privilege you should make use of. Glasgow’s new RAMEN DAYO! spot off Gordon Street serves up 20-hour tonkotsu broth in a lovely setting, while Edinburgh’s Maki and Ramen offers up an amazing burnt garlic and pork number to be eaten while perusing the dozens of handdrawn odes to ramen on the walls.

For those third wheeling it big time
Maybe you didn’t realise it was a date, or maybe you just didn’t fancy making your own dinner on a Tuesday night. Anyway, you’re heading along with your friend and their ‘friend’, so you have two options. Option one – pick a cool environment where you can easily distract yourself.

Among our top tips are Paradise Palms (lovely drinks, cool vibe, and a decor that’ll give you hours of material to work with), The Hanging Bat (an outrageous beer selection that allows plenty of pondering time at the bar), and Hillhead Bookclub (just shuffle off to the retro arcade machines with a nice cocktail and don’t say anything).

Option two is to make your presence felt as much as possible. For this you’ll need a ‘small plates’ spot – whether it's the fine dining loveliness of Ox and Finch, the Indian smorgasbord of Mother India’s Cafe or the classic Spanish tapas at Cubatas or Serrano Manchego, there are a host of great places out there at which to try an array of tasty treats all at the same time. Simply order a host of plates, create a dischord around who gets the last croquette, and watch the insults fly.