The Skinny 100: What Have We Learned?

A late addition to The Skinny’s canon of subdivided cultural categories, the Travel section was born out of a desire to properly reflect the diversity of didactic experiences available to our readers away from the geographical confines of our normal areas of coverage. That, and the desire to wangle some free trips. But, as with the conceit of 'travel' itself, our eyes have been opened and knowledge has been acquired (ahem). Here we impart to you, grateful reader, the six greatest lessons we've learned to date from The Skinny’s Travel section. Use this knowledge wisely.

1. Travellers hate other travellers

What else could explain the plethora of advice, warnings against straying too far into ‘tourist’ zones (oh, the irony!), missives on what to wear (try clothes) and an incessant ‘my experience is better than yours now listen to meeeeee' attitude that curiously seem to plague vast swathes of travel writing as we know it. Turns out we may not be so enlightened – take these choice nuggets for example:

'Our planet’s most idyllic natural landscapes are invariably disfigured by the presence of horse-faced gap yah students and dishevelled backpackers, all of them pursuing the elusive meaning of life and losing all concept of personal hygiene as they go.'
A Traveller's Manifesto, March 2012

'Or perhaps the [gap year] concept has been sullied somewhat by the abiding memories of tedious willy wavers boasting endlessly about single-handedly (remember, one hand on willy) saving the orphaned children of Africa (all of them) whilst talking about the self-fulfilment and path to enlightenment (as embodied, naturally, by ethnic beads and ill-fitting poncho).'
Gap Yah: A Guide to Taking a Year Out, Student Handbook 2011

'Don’t use CouchSurfing.org like it’s a dating site – that’s not what it’s there for, and such an approach is generally considered sleazy and obnoxious. If you do wind up couchsurfing with somebody you’re attracted to, then who knows where things could go, but take extra special care before making a pass at a guest in your home – you don’t want to make them feel awkward, especially when they’re dependent on you for a place to stay.'
CouchSurfing for Beginners, October 2009

2. We like Berlin

So much so, it’s the single foreign destination we’ve covered most. We’ve even provided a handy guide to what to do should you find yourself living there…

'Pace yourself
A night out really is a night out in Berlin. No closing hours makes everything incredibly relaxed, and if you’re into it, you can go clubbing from Friday all the way through to Sunday. The flip side is the great British sport of binge drinking isn’t well suited to here. You’ll peak too soon and be going home before anything even gets going here (which normally starts at 11pmish in a bar / 3am at a club). Also it’s not really acceptable to be smashed here (or anywhere else that’s not the UK/Australia/America) – throwing up in the streets and yelling and starting fights – it’s not pretty and you’re not funny. So stop being a twat.'
So, you want to live in Berlin? An expat's guide, January 2013

But alas, not everybody appreciated our well-intentioned advice, as one online commenter weighed in...

'Sub-heading: how to experience Berlin in the style of a brainless moron.'
POSTED BY DAMIEN | THURSDAY 31 JANUARY 2013 @ 14:11

3. And festivals...

For a good while, in every single issue we’d earmark a foreign musical, filmic or artistic jamboree at which we felt you, our bastions of illuminative nous, could attain cultural nirvana. Question, have any one of you ever actually headed away to any one of these carnivals on the back of a recommendation you read in The Skinny? Seriously? OK – drop us a line at hello@skinnymag.co.uk and share your experience with us. You may feature in our 200th issue retrospective.

4. Not so much Australia

'It’s true to observe that Australia has never been more expensive for a visitor than it is now. A pound used to buy two-and-a-half Australian dollars, now only one-and-a-half. So a low-range hostel dorm bed, $30, used to be a reasonable £12, but is now £20. That’s only the start. If you like to travel with a guidebook, bring one with you and guard it like a second passport: they’re $40 to $75 here. A sandwich, wee bottle of Coke and pack of crisps will cost $15 (£10). It’s the same for a pack of cigarettes, and if you can find a pint for less than five quid, you’ve chanced upon happy hour. Prepare to go hungry, sober, or insolvent.'
Hard Up Down Under. June 2011

Just kidding Ozzie Sheilas and Bruces, we love it really, particularly when it’s free…

'Dear Paul,

On behalf of Tourism Australia, the Youth Hostel Association (YHA) and Qantas Airways, I would like to invite you on a ‘Coastal Discovery’ trip to Australia to explore the incredible adventures on offer for backpackers, gap year students and working holiday makers. We would love for you to join us on the trip, starting in the famous harbour city of Sydney in New South Wales, across to the sheer cliffs and canyons of the Blue Mountains, up to the spectacular Great Barrier Reef in Queensland and ending in the ancient rainforests of the Daintree.

Yours, Margo'

Um, OK then, cheers for that Margo – Oz is ace!
The Perks of Being a Travel Editor: Australia, October 2012

5. War zones – if you ain’t been to one, you haven’t lived (or nearly died)

One of our very first travel pieces was a first person account of a US army tour of duty to Afghanistan (yep, we're hard like that).

'Those tempted to make the trip should know that there are hazards involved in any Afghanistani vacation. First, women are generally required to be covered from head to toe – failure to comply risks death by stoning. Second, malaria pills are a must (despite their odd side effect of remarkably vivid nightmares). Third, Westerners are highly attractive targets for terrorist ambushes and suicide bombings. Not trying to scare anybody, just a few things to consider.'
Go Away! – to Afghanistan, July 2007

'For foreigners of many stripes in Peshawar, Prince is a man who can get things done: an individual media types would call a fixer. Prince is a fast talker and a hard bargainer who knows the tribal officials, the government bureaucrats, military men, opium smugglers, weapons dealers, hotel operators, business men, Talibs and more.'
Elite Encounters in Pakistan, February 2011

'Later that night when I returned to Jerusalem, I considered getting around an obstruction of tour groups by going through the rooftop exit of a Yeshiva. I stood at a small bridge into it before concluding that it would be rude and unappreciated so I walked away. I was then called upon by a voice from the dark.
“I’m sorry, I can’t speak Hebrew”. Pause.
“Passport.” Young. Beret. Civvies. Glasses. Body armour. Pistol drawn.
“I’m sorry, but are you police or army or what?” “Yes. Passport.” I handed it over.
“British?” “Yes.” No nationalistic quibbling. “Why are you here?” I explained how I was trying to quickly get to the Arab quarter to watch the Brazil-North Korea game.
“Hm. Well, you looked very suspicious. Are you drunk?
“No,” – 1. No, I’m not. 2. That’s not illegal here. 3. The people you’re most afraid of aren’t known for their drunkenness. “ – no, I’m not”
“Well, you looked suspicious. You looked drunk. Would you like some help?” The pistol was still drawn.
“Mm. No, thanks.” “Good night.”
“Good night.”
I walked away, hating myself for not asking for ID and wondering if inebriation was a standard excuse for inspection.'
Middle-Eastern Travels: Day-trips in the West Bank, March 2011

'If there’s one thing better than seeing the cradle of civilisation, it’s participating in its wanton destruction! Follow in the footsteps of pioneering American adventurer Chris Jeon, who spent his summer vacation fighting with Libyan rebels, by indulging in the hottest new trend in travel today: war tourism!' 
The Travel Hot List 2013

Only one of these was an attempt at parody – can you guess which?

6. Sometimes travelling can be really quite shit…

'In Los Angeles, by a stroke of luck my friend and I had been invited to a USC sorority party. Anyone who has ever seen Girls Gone Wild knows how these occasions always end up. Before, we went for dinner at this restaurant famous for fish tacos. You probably know where this is going... It was like fizzy gravy! Every time I thought about leaving the house, I was drawn back to the toilet as if by powerful magnets in the seat. My mate went, and what I missed that night can only be found on the internet, pay-per-view!'
Holiday snap-shorts, January 2009

'Alas, Charlotte would not be so lucky. At some stage, something in Mexico disagreed with her and she suffered from the very symptoms that the [anti-diarrhoea] drug was supposed to dispel. Perhaps she received a placebo, and was thus incapable of replicating my iron-bellied feats, or perhaps she’s just a delicate little one. In any case, medical science is unlikely to provide an explanation since she took the decision to cop out of the stool sampling part of the experiment. An understandable course of action; bagging up your shit isn’t a barrel of laughs at the best of times, but it becomes an extremely uninviting proposition when you’re too nauseous to walk. I might add that her boyfriend’s singular refusal to assist her in the sample collecting process made it even less likely to happen.' 
On: The runs in Mexico – Diarrhoeas of a medical triallist, December 2010