Ask Auntie Trash: I R Disappoint

Hi Trash,

I’ve had a couple of setbacks recently. Some have been bigger than others, but they’ve all hurt in their own way. As someone who, for want of a better description, regularly destroys other people’s dreams with her reviews, how do you deal with disappointments?

Thanks,

I’m not bitter, honest!

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Hey my bitter friend, 

Awwwww, it sounds like you’re having a bit of a bad time at the moment. I mean, why else would you contact a perfect stranger and mention my habit of utterly decimating the dreams, lives and hopes of others? 

I don’t know if a review of mine has ever made someone reconsider their career path, because as much as I hope for hate mail, it never comes (where is it? Oh, hate mail, how I long to receive and frame you on The Skinny’s wall). In all honesty, I hope I never have, but if I have ever written something that made you quit, I am very, very sorry.

Anyway, disappointments are like an arsehole; everyone has one. Disappointment is a universal thing; you didn’t get that job you wanted, the play you’d really been looking forward to turns out to be a heap of crap, the person you like reveals their true colours, it happens to us all.

What matters is how you decide to deal with the disappointment, because you cannot let it define you. Rejection is horrible, it hurts like hell, but it is not an excuse to hide yourself or your work from the world.

Whenever I face bone-crushing, soul-destroying disappointment – and believe me, it happens more than you would think – I do this wonderful thing: I allow myself to feel how I’m feeling. That’s a groundbreaking bit of advice, I know, but some of the worst advice I ever got was when I was going through a break-up, and someone close to me insisted that it was best if I didn’t give my ex the “satisfaction of knowing that I was hurt.” This is a terrible thing to say, because what they were really saying was that I shouldn’t feel the way I was feeling because it was an inconvenience to someone who wasn’t even there!

Your feelings are never an inconvenience. Never believe that by expressing how you feel in a healthy way that you are making life hard for other people. You will only make yourself feel worse, you will suffer for longer and it leads you to believe that your feelings are worth less to everyone around you. This is not true.

Whenever I suffer a setback, I go with the flow. If I feel like crying I’ll have a proper howl into my pillow, or even better, my friend Ann, who has let me cry on her numerous times and has never complained. If I’m angry, I’ll go somewhere and scream, or break something inconsequential; buy lots of plates, you can always buy more. Sometimes just getting up and moving around, like going for a walk, or dancing (hurling myself around the room with no real majesty or purpose) to the angriest, angstiest music that I can find, does the job. I’m not saying all the bad feelings go away overnight, but it gives them less power.

One last thing, some days you will feel bad, some days you will feel good. On another day, you may feel like how you did at the beginning, but never fear, this is only temporary. This too shall pass, the sun will rise again, tomorrow is a new day.

I will find you and destroy you.

Much love,

Trash the Redeemer